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Thursday, September 20, 2012

My Fantasy New York Times Obituary

In a recent article in Slate, How To Get Ejected from a Baseball Game about people getting tossed out of the park by the umpire for playing “Three Blind Mice,” there is a comment about a famous episode involving an organist for a minor league team:

“When he died 18 years after he got the thumb, the New York Times saw fit to run his obituary: ‘Wilbur Snapp, 83, Organist Ejected by Ump.’”

All this got me to thinking. First of all, that nursery rhyme was the theme music for The Three Stooges so the organist should feel lucky the ump didn’t try to tear his nose off with a crow bar. Then I had another relevant thought. Perhaps it’s a bit morbid to say this but I rather doubt that I will ever do anything worthy enough to have my obituary published in the New York Times, but a guy has to have a dream. It either takes fame or infamy to finish off this life with a few printed words in that august daily. As hard as I have worked to hone my good qualities I think it’s safe to say that they haven’t set me very far apart from the crowd.  Maybe it’s time to revel in the truly awful in my life. Dying in infamy seems like a lot less work than actually accomplishing something in this brief span on earth we call a life.  

Here are some obituaries that would make me proud (at least the living me would be proud):

Area Man, 102, Who Claimed “You’re never too old to be in a drug-fueled orgy” Proves Himself Very Wrong 

Nation Mourns Loss of Billionaire and Seattle Mariners Fan Who Bought NY Yankees and Forced Them Out Of MLB to Clean Public Restrooms

Close But No Cigar for Drunken Octogenarian Attempting to Dive into Pool from Hotel Balcony

First Case of Lap Dance Death Recorded at Local Strip Club
American Vendor of Spanish Ham and Wine Murdered by Angry Mob in Mecca: Saudi Police Claim Long Lines Fueled Outrage

Autopsy Commission Reports Record Number of Factors Led to Death of Local Man!
(I think that the exclamation point here is vital)

Coroner’s Report Discloses Things Not Responsible for Man’s Death Would be Shorter, More Manageable List than Actual Causes

Unsurprisingly, Inventor of Blue Cheese, Chorizo, and Red Wine Diet Dies Young