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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Bore Me To Sleep

Maybe this dead guy cares about your dream?
(Based on a true story)
Before you tell me about your bizarre dream let me just stop you to say that I’ve heard this one before. How you get into a taxi but the driver is a chimpanzee. He tries to rip you off by going through town hitting all the traffic lights instead of taking the expressway.  When you point this out  he goes ballistic and showers you with a Colt45 he has between his legs (you suspected he was drunk from the start)) and screams at you in Russian. So he throws you out of the cab in front of a shabby X-rated movie house where your parents are waiting in line along with your kindergarten teacher who is wearing only a fishing vest and sensible shoes—not an unflattering ensemble if the truth be told.

I could go on but I think you get the point: all dreams are stupid and bizarre and no one since Freud wants to hear about yours. Graham Greene supposedly kept a dream journal for much of his life. I bet that is the biggest piece of shit in the history of fiction after 50 Shades of Grey (since I read about 20 pages I feel I am somewhat of an authority on that horrible book).  If you start recounting your dream I will have to invoke my XXXII Amendment rights which say that I can dump a bucket of steaming offal on your head.

First of all, nobody does normal stuff in dreams. They don't just wake up, brush their teeth, have a cup of coffee, and go to work.  Secondly, no one has ever had a dream that was interesting to another person. Never. Ever. You won't be the first, I promise. Even if you have huge boobs and a winning smile I may pass out from boredom during your story and hit my head on a coffee table and die. Do you want that on your conscience?


  1. Why don't any of the books on your shelves have titles? Huh?

  2. I just stuffed those notebooks in the cracks to keep the place from being so drafty.


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