Me Duele el Pulgar

A lot of beasts in the animal kingdom not blessed with this feature probably think that an opposable thumb is over-rated.  I may have felt the same right up until I injured my left hand. My question to those loser animals without a working thumb is this: how do you unzip your pants to take a leak? And don’t say to wear sweat pants because that is cheating.

Someone suggested hiring a monkey.

I was going to say that I wouldn’t trust a monkey any further* than I could throw one but I bet I could throw a monkey really far. I have my own technique I developed back when dwarf tossing was still fashionable. The trick is to grab them by one ankle and spin around like they do in the hammer throw in the Olympics.

*Or is it “farther?” I think I am talking about a metaphoric distance on the chimp trust issue but a definite physical distance in the throwing department.  I’ll let the grammar dorks battled it out because I have bigger issues with languages than petty shit like this.