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Saturday, December 29, 2018

The Power of the Pen

I was working at my friends’ bike rental shop the other day and I was a bit bored. There is a white board on the door to leave messages for customers (back in 5 minutes, closed for lunch, taking a dump—for the love of god, please come back later, etc.) so I’ve been thinking of other things to communicate to the public.

Top Ten Rejected Messages for Front Door White Board

1. Are you just gonna stand out there looking stupid, or are you gonna come in and rent a damn bike?
2. Wanna know how kids get hooked on dope? By not riding bikes, that’s how.
3. Biking: it’s not just for poor people.
4. Take a good look in the mirror and tell me that you don’t need a bit of exercise.
5. Free map to Valencia’s best strip clubs with one day bike rental (glory hole maps available upon request).
6. Too fat and lazy to even consider riding a bike? Try our eScooters.
7. Rent a bike today! What the fuck else have you got to do?
8. Too drunk to drive? Ride a bike home.
9. Walking is for losers.
10. A bike is the only thing standing between you and a very early grave, amigo.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018


On my way home from a neighbor’s flat this holiday evening, I noticed a horde waiting for food at my corner kebab shop; a bit shocking seeing how the Spanish are generally such food snobs. You’d think everyone had a lavish dinner waiting for them somewhere.

I stopped for a 1€ bottle of beer because, you know, ‘Tis the season and whatnot, but I’m not ready to make a Christmas kebab a thing. I blame the Spanish food snobbery that has made its way into my DNA.

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 20, 2018


To Do List During Holidays:

1.    Major kitchen cleaning
2.   Get off big butt and ride bike mucho
3.   Practice piano
4.   Read something besides crime fiction trash

Not To Do List During Holidays:

1.    Drink all of gifted wine and cava by myself at home 
2. Eat all of gifted ham, salami, and other pork products

(Evidently, a lot of people think that I'm not getting enough alcohol and pork products in my diet.)