With another Republican in the White House it’s only a matter of time before America will find yet another slim excuse to enter into a foreign war. The children of politicians are never called on to fight so if you aren’t among these hallowed elite you may need another strategy for keeping safe and comfortable during the conflict. Famous Chinese philosopher and draft-dodger Sun Tzu offers a few words of wisdom.
1- Shooting your enemy in the back or while he sleeps may be cowardly but let’s face it, in a fair fight the guy would stomp a mud puddle in your chest.
2 - On the day of the great battle there is no shame in claiming you have car trouble and can’t make it.
3- Of your enemy know but one simple thing: does he have lots of cool shit you want to pillage?
4 - Sometimes the greatest warrior must position himself at a VERY comfortable distance from the fighting…and disguised as an old woman.
5 - Understand the wisdom of running away in panic…I mean retreat...understand the wisdom of an orderly retreat…orderly but fast with none of that “women and children first” bullshit.
6 - In war there is always death and someone must bring comfort to the young and beautiful widows. Try to get that job.
7- Winning great battles is what separates the great generals from the common. Still, it doesn’t hurt to look the part in shiny boots and those medals you bought at the thrift shop.
8- It is impossible to overstate the importance of being good at playing dead.
9- War is the last resort. Have you tried pleading for your miserable life?
10 - In times of war either lead, follow, or blog about it from your parents' basement.