Reinventing the Classics #1

Gary Larson

Revenge is a dish better served cold.
     -      Anonymous

And by cold, do they mean right out of the fridge? Frozen like ice cream? On ice like a beer? So you bury your enemy up to his neck in ice before you dump a load of fresh manure on his head? Seems like too much work, which begs another proverb.

Revenge shouldn’t be more work than the indignity you suffered in the first place.
   -   Me

In the most famous story of revenge, the Count of Monte Cristo suffers 21 years in prison—14 in solitary confinement—before he even begins his quest for revenge. Dude, get over it and move on with your life. Which leads to yet another expression that I have coined.

Revenge is really good when it’s right out of the pan.
   -   Me

Yes, sir, that is some good revenge. Like that time a guy almost ran me over on my bike. A block later he parked his car, got out, and was crushed by a piano that fell from the fifth floor. Isn’t that better than waiting a quarter of a century for satisfaction?

DIY vs The Food Industrial Complex

I had a momentary fit of laziness and bought a jar of mayonnaise from the supermarket. It was almost sickly sweet and didn’t have any of the fullness and richness of the stuff that I make at home. My mayo is so good that you could eat it like ice cream.

My ingredients:

1 raw egg

Cup of extra virgin olive oil

¼ cup of sunflower oil

3 cloves of garlic I mash in a mortar

1 shot of Vinegar

Tsp of Dijon mustard

Pinch of salt

Some other spice according to my whim. I used pimentón and a pinch of chili powder in my last batch

That is it. There are no chemicals, no weird stuff. Then I looked at the label of the store bought crap.

Sunflower Oil 65% - *Your guess is as good as mine concerning the other 35%. Motor oil? Baby oil?

Xanthan gum - *WTF? From WIKI - Polysaccharide with many industrial uses and food additive. Effective thickening agent to prevent ingredients from separating. Derives name from the species of bacteria used, Xanthomonas campestris. I like my gum to be named after bacteria.

May contain traces of mustard and milk - *I don’t really know what this one means. It may contain them if the guy who adds traces of mustard and milk showed up for work that day?