In a recent article in Slate, How
To Get Ejected from a Baseball Game about people getting tossed out of
the park by the umpire for playing “Three Blind Mice,” there is a comment about
a famous episode involving an organist for a minor league team:
“When he died 18 years after he got the thumb, the New York Times saw fit to run his obituary: ‘Wilbur Snapp, 83, Organist Ejected by Ump.’”
“When he died 18 years after he got the thumb, the New York Times saw fit to run his obituary: ‘Wilbur Snapp, 83, Organist Ejected by Ump.’”
All this got me to thinking. First
of all, that nursery rhyme was the theme music for The Three Stooges so
the organist should feel lucky the ump didn’t try to tear his nose off with a
crow bar. Then I had another relevant thought. Perhaps it’s a bit morbid to say
this but I rather doubt that I will ever do anything worthy enough to have my
obituary published in the New York Times, but a guy has to have a dream. It
either takes fame or infamy to finish off this life with a few printed words in
that august daily.
As hard as I have worked to hone my good qualities, I think
it’s safe to say that they haven’t set me very far apart from the crowd. Maybe it’s time to revel in the truly awful
in my life. Dying in infamy seems like a lot less work than actually
accomplishing something in this brief span on earth we call a life.
Here are some obituaries that would
make me proud (at least the living me would be proud):
Area Man, 102, Who Claimed “You’re
never too old to be in a drug-fueled orgy” Proves Himself Very Wrong
Nation Mourns Loss of Billionaire and Seattle Mariners Fan Who Bought NY Yankees and Forced Them Out Of MLB to Clean Public Restrooms
Nation Mourns Loss of Billionaire and Seattle Mariners Fan Who Bought NY Yankees and Forced Them Out Of MLB to Clean Public Restrooms
Close But No Cigar for Drunken
Octogenarian Attempting to Dive into Pool from Hotel Balcony
First Case of Lap Dance Death
Recorded at Local Strip Club
American Vendor of Spanish Ham and
Wine Murdered by Angry Mob in Mecca: Saudi Police Claim Long Lines Fueled
Outrage
Autopsy Commission Reports Record
Number of Factors Led to Death of Local Man!
(I think
that the exclamation point here is vital)
Coroner’s Report Discloses Things Not
Responsible for Man’s Death Would be Shorter, More Manageable List than Actual Causes
Unsurprisingly, Inventor of Blue Cheese, Chorizo, and Red Wine Diet Dies Young
Unsurprisingly, Inventor of Blue Cheese, Chorizo, and Red Wine Diet Dies Young
