What could possibly be more American than a strip
club? Perhaps only a strip club with an American flag flying proudly in the
parking lot. We thought it would be useful to throw out a few ideas on how to
move this cultural icon smoothly into the 21st century. This
venerable and august institution has been around for as long as there have been
married men with wives who were unwilling to slowly take off their clothing to
obnoxious, brassy music. Once again we are seeing public opinion moving against
clubs. Many people have begun to look at strip clubs as part of the collective
societal problem and not part of the solution. Believe it or not, there are
many who feel that strip clubs are a repugnant anachronism which objectify
women and encourage the basest instincts among our male patrons. How have we
let this happen?
Over the centuries there have been major
innovations which kept strip clubs on the cutting edge of societal exigencies. Must
we remind you that strip clubs have led the way on some of the major issues in
human history? To give but a few but important examples we will begin with
plague-ravaged 14th century France where club owners would bar
employment to anyone with outward manifestations of the disease. It has not
been categorically proven that some owners would allow infected dancers to work
if the pustules augmented the erotic appearance of the performer. And how many
people are aware that the corn dog was actually invented by a club owner in 1963?
This American nutritional hallmark was part of the club’s happy hour buffet,
another club innovation. The velvet rope for waiting lines was also a strip
club discovery. Think about that the next time you are at the bank. We could go
on and on but instead we will only say, “You’re welcome, America.”
Where others see a problem we see only
opportunities. In order to more accurately reflect the multicultural make-up of
modern American society strip clubs now distribute free phrase books to
non-English speaking patrons. It is our desire here at The American Strip Club
Heritage Foundation that the language of stripping become universal, a sort of
smutty Esperanto if you will. We think everyone is a winner if we encourage our
Latin American and Asian immigrant customers to scream out—in grammatical
English—vulgarities like “Show us your tits!” and “Spread’em, baby.” We also
suggest customers say “Please” and “Thank You.” Our new motto is “English
First, Erections Second, but Always Be Polite!”
This message has been brought to you by The
American Strip Club Heritage Foundation, Akron, Ohio.
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