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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Strip Clubs: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

What could possibly be more American than a strip club? Perhaps only a strip club with an American flag flying proudly in the parking lot. We thought it would be useful to throw out a few ideas on how to move this cultural icon smoothly into the 21st century. This venerable and august institution has been around for as long as there have been married men with wives who were unwilling to slowly take off their clothing to obnoxious, brassy music. Once again we are seeing public opinion moving against clubs. Many people have begun to look at strip clubs as part of the collective societal problem and not part of the solution. Believe it or not, there are many who feel that strip clubs are a repugnant anachronism which objectify women and encourage the basest instincts among our male patrons. How have we let this happen?

Over the centuries there have been major innovations which kept strip clubs on the cutting edge of societal exigencies. Must we remind you that strip clubs have led the way on some of the major issues in human history? To give but a few but important examples we will begin with plague-ravaged 14th century France where club owners would bar employment to anyone with outward manifestations of the disease. It has not been categorically proven that some owners would allow infected dancers to work if the pustules augmented the erotic appearance of the performer. And how many people are aware that the corn dog was actually invented by a club owner in 1963? This American nutritional hallmark was part of the club’s happy hour buffet, another club innovation. The velvet rope for waiting lines was also a strip club discovery. Think about that the next time you are at the bank. We could go on and on but instead we will only say, “You’re welcome, America.”

Where others see a problem we see only opportunities. In order to more accurately reflect the multicultural make-up of modern American society strip clubs now distribute free phrase books to non-English speaking patrons. It is our desire here at The American Strip Club Heritage Foundation that the language of stripping become universal, a sort of smutty Esperanto if you will. We think everyone is a winner if we encourage our Latin American and Asian immigrant customers to scream out—in grammatical English—vulgarities like “Show us your tits!” and “Spread’em, baby.” We also suggest customers say “Please” and “Thank You.” Our new motto is “English First, Erections Second, but Always Be Polite!”

This message has been brought to you by The American Strip Club Heritage Foundation, Akron, Ohio.

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