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Sunday, December 05, 2010

NOT ALL MULTI-TASKING IS GOOD

Famous Moments in Drunk Driving


To make this a little more interesting I’m going to enter this essay on my palm pilot as I drive home. First I’ll pull over at this convenience store for a six pack. The 16 oz. cans were on sale!

3,500 B.C.- Beer was first made in Mesopotamia around 5,000 B.C. and the wheel was also invented there around 3,500 B.C. I’m guessing that within 24 hours after the invention of the wheel some hillbilly in Mesopotamia decided it would be a good idea to mix these two hallmarks of civilization, with disastrous consequences.

April 14, 1912- Captain Edward John Smith wrecks the Titanic with the subsequent loss of 1,516 passengers. There’s no evidence that he was hammered but it happened at 11:40 p.m. All I’m saying is that the ship had an excellent selection of tequila. When in 1985 a joint American-French expedition located the wreck using a remote submarine, they discovered a salt shaker and limes near the steering wheel.

May 6, 1937- The Hindenburg Airship explodes in a fireball over New Jersey. Radio reporter Herbert Morrison’s cry of, “Oh the humanity!” makes more sense when you learn that the pilot of the Hindenburg was partial to a flaming shot called The Humanity (equal parts Bacardi 151 rum, Goldschlager, and Rumpleminz set ablaze). History shouldn’t be so hard on the captain. Have you ever tried to parallel park a zeppelin?

I’m making good time, even in this traffic. I’m on my fourth beer and I’m only about 5 miles from home.

September 30, 1955- James Dean hits a tree in the middle of nowhere while driving his roadster. Police investigators theorize that he was just trying to pull over to take a leak behind the one tree on Highway 46.

1980-2011- This represents Robert Downey Jr.’s entire driving career to the present. When he first registered for driver’s education as a high school sophomore his blood/alcohol was found to be more than twice the legal limit. He never looked back. Someone needs to buy him a bus pass.

I haven’t tried to “shotgun” a beer in a long time. I can’t believe this idiot is trying to pass me. No way am I going to let that happen. (Note to readers: road rage and shotgunning 16 oz. cans of generic beer is almost never a good mix)

March 24, 1989- Captain Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez slams his oil tanker into a reef while making a batch of frozen margaritas. The lesson here is that friends don’t let friends drink and drive ships carrying 11,000,000 gallons of crude oil which, when dumped into the ocean, can destroy 470 miles of pristine Alaskan coastline.

August 31, 1997- Henri Paul, Princess Di’s driver, slams her car into a wall in a Paris tunnel. Turns out he was shit-house drunk—even for French standards. A world-wide wave of grieving is unleashed along with this joke: Did you hear about the princess who stayed out past midnight? She turned into a concrete wall.

I’ve never noticed that stop sign before. The good news is that I won’t have to worry about it tomorrow unless someone comes out and puts it back up.

July 16, 1999- JFK Jr. crashes a plane that he wasn’t really qualified to fly. There was no indication that he had been drinking, although his flight pattern was incredibly erratic. Perhaps the lone survivor of the crash can shed some light on the matter.  Your honor, I would like to call to the stand my first witness, Señor José Cuervo.

Good evening, O-ci-fer. Or is it morning? What time’s it? Is’t after last call? Shit. You sure? You want me to touch my what with my what? Why you big…

It was pretty bad after that, at least what I can remember.  I have a court date in June which is supposed to be a good thing, or is that for weddings?

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