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Friday, December 10, 2010

The Drastically Abridged Bucket List

Bucket lists are for bored people who think that they don’t have enough to do already. Maybe they don’t have cable TV? Here are five things you can cross off your list before you make a list. Or maybe you’re like me and you don’t make lists, not even for shopping. How hard is it to remember that you need toilet paper? You definitely shouldn’t need a list to remember to have some sort of meaningful life.

1) Threesome With Two Nurses
Every guy thinks he should be with two nurses at the same time before being released from this hospital we call human existence. Let’s not be sticklers for details by worrying too much if they aren’t actual board certified health professionals. And we suppose that it’s OK for you to buy the nurse outfits yourself, but don’t you think you’re being a tad optimistic buying four uniforms, even if they were on sale?  Good luck to you! Just be sure to check first with your doctor; this list is about things to do before you die, not things that can kill you.

2) Learn To Play a Musical Instrument
This is a good one for most people but not for you because you’re completely tone deaf.  So please spare yourself and your loved ones the agony of you practicing the tuba for six months before the neighbors have the police arrest you for acoustical vandalism. If there’s no such thing as a law for acoustical vandalism then there will be soon after you start your lessons. Face it, you can’t even hum on key.

3) Learn a Foreign Language
Also a good one for many people but not for you as your pronunciation is so bad in the foreign language that every word out of your mouth is like an ethnic slur.  Instead of learning a new language just work on mocking other people’s foreign accents in English like Inspector Clouseau from The Pink Panther.

4) Learn a Martial Art
This may be a little too ambitious so how about we compromise and just say that you should watch a Steven Seagal movie marathon on a Saturday afternoon? Make sure you have a good supply of alcohol on hand because there’s no way the movies alone will keep you entertained.

5) Climb Mount Everest
Yeah right. Its summit is 8,848m or 29,028 feet above sea level. In the shape you’re in you couldn’t walk that far on flat ground in less than about four days. You need bottled oxygen for two flights of stairs. How about you try scaling Magic Mountain out at the local water park as a warm up expedition? Remember, if you go on Thursday they have free donuts until noon.


I think the smart move here is to make a list of stuff you’ve already done so that you can die without a bunch of regrets over stupid crap you didn’t do. Things like “Visit Iowa” aren’t particularly impressive but more so than than not “Jumping Out Of an Airplane.”



I was asked to make this a little less insulting to readers which takes a bit of the fun out of it for me. You would understand why if you had looked at a bunch of whinny assholes on youtube reciting their bucket list of shit they should have already done. So I changed it all to self-deprecating humor so as not to offend the little college douche bags who probably won't even read the magazine anyway.

My (Drastically Abridged) Bucket List

I used to think that bucket lists were for bored people who think that they don’t have enough to do already. Maybe they don’t have cable TV? Anyway, my life coach (parole officer) suggested that I should make a bucket list—either that or pick up trash along the highway on Saturday.  If you follow my lead you’ll have five things you can cross off your list before you make a list. Or maybe you’re like me and you don’t make lists, not even for shopping. How hard is it to remember that you need toilet paper? You definitely shouldn’t need a list to remember to have some sort of meaningful life.

1) Threesome with Two Nurses
Every guy thinks he should be with two nurses at the same time before being released from this hospital we call human existence. Let’s not be sticklers for details by worrying too much if they aren’t actual board certified health professionals. And I think it’s OK to buy the nurse outfits myself although perhaps I’m being a tad optimistic buying four uniforms, but they were on sale.  Wish me luck! Just to be on the safe side I’ll check first with my doctor; this list is about things to do before I die, not things that can kill me.

2) Learn To Play a Musical Instrument
This is a good one for most people but if you’re like me you’re completely tone deaf.  So please spare yourself and your loved ones the agony of practicing the tuba for six months before the neighbors have the police arrest you for acoustical vandalism.  I’m a little proud of the fact that acoustical vandalism is a law that was invented just to combat my mistreatment of a musical instrument.  I need to face facts; I can’t even hum on key.

3) Learn a Foreign Language
Also a good one for many people but my pronunciation is so bad in Spanish that every word out of my mouth is like an ethnic slur.  Instead of learning a new language just work on mocking other people’s foreign accents in English like Inspector Clouseau from The Pink Panther.

4) Learn a Martial Art
This may be a little too ambitious so how about if I compromise and just watch a Steven Seagal movie marathon on a Saturday afternoon? I’ll make sure to have a good supply of alcohol on hand because there’s no way the movies alone will keep me entertained.

5) Climb Mount Everest
Yeah right. Its summit is 8,848m or 29,028 feet above sea level. In the shape I’m in I couldn’t walk that far on flat ground in less than about four days. I sometimes need bottled oxygen for two flights of stairs. How about if I scale Magic Mountain out at the local water park as a warm up expedition? Remember, if you go on Thursdays they have free donuts until noon.

I think the smart move here is to make a list of stuff I’ve already done so that I can die without a bunch of regrets over stupid crap I didn’t do. Things like “Visit Iowa” aren’t particularly impressive but more so than not “Jumping Out Of an Airplane.”  Besides, Iowa is kind of nice. People tell me I should see the big island. I’ll put that on my list.

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