Annual Sex Issue

How can I put this delicately for my readers? I will start at the beginning. Our species is called Homo sapiens. Homo isn’t that kind of homo, that is the Greek type of Homo, this is the Latin Homo which means man--and not necessarily someone who dresses flashy and makes for a nifty side-kick for the female lead in a romantic comedy. Sapiens is Latin for knowing, which means that we are the only species that knows how to make aerosol cheese. The male in our species is designed to deliver the seed. We will call this seed “baby juice.” To deliver the baby juice the male is equipped with a screw. Scratch that, that’s too dirty; let’s call his equipment a bolt. The female has the garden where the baby grows. The entrance to the garden we will call the nut.

The male of the species must somehow find a way to talk the female into letting him insert his bolt into her nut. I won’t go into some of the sickening and pathetic ways men carry this out but to the young women just beginning to date: consider yourselves warned. Often this insertion is merely for practice as neither party involved wants this process to lead to babies. This practice is called fornication by some but is generally known by the familiar term of "humping."

Unless the people in marketing have been less than truthful with us we know that what makes a woman desirable to the man are incredibly large breasts and what makes the man desirable to the woman is the brand of light beer he drinks. I don’t know which sex has it tougher. Is it harder to undergo painful breast enhancement surgery and then have to carry them around the rest of your life or is drinking crappy light beer more of a cross to bear? Is there a third choice?

If this all seems too sordid and messy for any of you, don’t be alarmed. The good news is that we have made the decision to outsource a lot of the sex taking place here in America. Instead of doing this sort of time-consuming and dirty manual labor, we have farmed out these tasks to strung-out runaways and guys who ride on the lead float in the Sexually Transmitted Diseases Day parade. Thanks to pornography we now have more time for prayer here in America.

The reason the Lord blessed us with sexual pleasure in the first place was not to allow our animal instincts to run wild. He gave us sex to sell crappy light beer and kitchen floor cleaners that will make your home sparkle. If we use sex to actually pleasure one another it will water down its ability to sell paper towels.

Not one of my better essays so I will leave you with a true story and a picture. They are doing a bunch of work in front of my building. It has been a total pain in the ass because there is no parking on both sides of the street for the entire month they will be working. In the midst of all of this mayhem in the street, I walked up to a supervisor (he had a clip board and wasn't working). I told him I appreciated all the effort but all I wanted was free cable TV. He didn't think it was funny either.

A lot of trouble for free HBO.