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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

10 Commandments Update

Can't Obey'em if You Can't Read'em
The funny thing is that if you go to the Microsoft homepage they already have an updated version called Commandments 3.0 for Windows™. I downloaded them this morning. Below is the fine print, the stuff that you animals never bother to read because you are “too busy” so you just click on “I Agree” and navigate back over to the online poker game.

Honor your mother and your father. In the era of the dead-beat dad do we really need to honor our mother AND our father? Honor your mother and you can pretty much ignore dad—unless he is going to buy you a pony or pay for your ski trip. I’m not saying that you have to exactly go overboard on the honoring mom thing either. Use your own judgment.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. This whole ‘covet’ business has got to go. How can you covet your neighbor’s goods and his wife? I don’t even know what it means to covet, but if you can covet both someone’s wife and goods then it is either demeaning to women or perverted. Let’s just do ourselves a favor and drop both of these commandments altogether.

Thou shalt not steal. This is a really dicey one. Does scalping tickets constitute stealing? Stealing is such an ugly word for taking a few extra Sweet & Lows at the coffee shop. I think that if you got God, Allah, Apollo & Zeus, and YAHWEH together in one room they would all agree that stealing cable TV is not such a bad thing. Ditto with downloading music. Is it stealing if you eat your roommate’s leftover to-go food in the refrigerator? This whole “thou shalt not steal” is a big can of worms so let’s just dump that one.

Thou shalt not bear false witness. Who invited the lawyer when they drew up the commandments? Your honor, I would like that commandment stricken from the record.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Adultery, that seems like a good thing not to commit, but in this day and age, if you want to get lucky, you can’t be too choosy.

Don’t take God’s name in vain. How about this V g A o I d N? That’s God’s name in vain. If that’s a sin then sue me.

Thou shalt not kill. That seems like a decent idea. Personally, I’m all for it, 100%, but I’m an atheist. If you ask hyper-religious born agains, they will all say that the death penalty, and killing in wars, is okely dokely because the Bible says so. Who am I to question the morality of born agains? Let’s lose that one, too. Lock and load, and let's all remember to run serpentine.

Keep the Sabbath holy. Isn’t football on Sundays? ‘Nuf said.

There is but one God. As an atheist this is really the toughest one for me. It’s like the Thou shalt not steal thing for thieves; it sort of takes away your livelihood. I’m not against this one if you happen to believe in God, so we’ll make it optional.

So that’s it. The 10 Commandments boiled down to Honor your mom unless she tells you to stay home and you have a really cool party to go to, and There is but one God, unless you have other thoughts on this matter. I can live with those rules. See you in heaven.