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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Mangled Priorities: Brainiac Nation

I know that I kid around a lot here but today I would like to tell you about something that is quickly reaching the level of a quiet catastrophe in American society. I have several friends who suffer from this debilitating condition that is completely ignored by both the media and the medical community. It is a problem that the powers-that-be would love nothing more than to just sweep under the rug. I am talking to you today about male pattern baldness.

Male pattern baldness ranks only behind minor weight gain in young females as the leading cause of death in the United States. Wake up America! Open your eyes and look around and you will see men, lots of men, who are losing their hair. I’m not an expert in this field but I don’t see why we aren’t desperately funding technology in order to combat this killer. Why aren’t we pouring money into research for worthless potions men can rub into their scalps to stimulate hair growth? Are you telling me that we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make wigs for men or scalp paint to allow the appearance of hair in men with hair loss problems?

I went out the other day to get some answers to this problem. I took a look at our society, a very good look. I have found that we are just too obsessed with improving our minds to give much thought to our appearance. The public library has turned into the newest meat market. You actually have to pay a $10 cover charge to get in the door so you can check out books and meet other hyper-intellects like you.

What if you were a young girl in this country and you were suffering from the crippling disease of very minor weight gain? What if all you wanted was a diet plan but at the magazine stand every cover of every magazine for women only had ideas for how to write the great American novel or countless stories about how to become a symphony conductor? Now you may begin to understand how these young women feel abandoned by our brains-obsessed society where the only thing that matters is how many books you check out from the library or how many research papers you turn in every month.

What are we waiting for America? When a young 122 pound woman says “I feel fat” this is not something we should ignore. This is a desperate cry for help yet do we have diet food available, do we have weight loss ideas in any of our print media, do we supply any sort of gimmicky exercise equipment? Hell no we don’t. All we do is shove some French literature in her face as if that is going to do her any good.

I have decided that I am going to take it upon myself to do something about this problem. I am going to start an organization; I am going to start a club for men to directly address this situation. I haven’t figured out the name but Scalp Club for Men perhaps or maybe Coiffure Club for Men. I seriously doubt that I will make a penny in profits in this culture that cares only for intellect and not one hoot for appearance. I don’t care about making money, I just want to help.

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