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Sunday, May 09, 2004

Voice of the Great Satan

Good morning, Iraq. How is everyone doing? Good. I know a few of you are a little upset, a little agitated over the prisoner abuse thing that has recently surfaced. Sorry about that, our bad, won’t happen again. Can’t let a few low-ranking bad apples spoil an otherwise trouble-free invasion and occupation now can we? Can’t imagine where these soldiers got the idea to abuse and humiliate prisoners. Our CIA confesses to full deniability, as usual. You’d have to torture those guys to get them to admit any wrongdoing, and as much fun as that would be that’s not how we do things (except to other nations).

Who’d have thought that a culture like yours, a culture that showed not the slightest hint of indignation (Some of you actually cheered) when some Arab Muslim maniacs flew a couple of planes into our World Trade Center towers killing thousands of innocent people would get so bent out of shape over American barbarities? I guess it’s a little difficult these days to tell who is the kettle, who is the pot, who is black, and who is calling whom what, what?

Justice will be served, let us assure you. We have a saying over in the land of the Great Satan: Shit roles down hill. This means that a few minor players in this scandal will be punished severely. This is much easier than going after the higher ups who are truly responsible. I know you want these people executed but that isn’t how we do things in this country. Actually, that is how we do things in this country but we normally only execute young black males who don’t have access do decent legal representation.

The weak are the easiest people to punish, wouldn’t you agree? Look at how you treat women in your culture. It’s like 125 degrees in the shade yet you insist that women walk around all day wearing HAZMAT suits. Over here in the Great Satan all a girl needs is a tattoo and a G-string and she’s ready for a night on the town. Speaking of little tramps, how about some music?

Now, for what you have all been waiting for, Britney Spears and her smash hit Do You Want to Put Your Hand Where My Hand Is? from her new CD Look at how flexible I am, I can touch my toes. Do you like my new mini skirt? Look at me when I’m talking to you!

I don’t know about you but that squeaky little voice really gets my blood boiling, if you know what I mean. You, too? I think that we probably have more in common than either of us could imagine. You are fundamentalist religious fanatics and so are we, at least the folks who dreamed up this war. Most of the infidels in America opposed bombing the shit out of a sovereign nation from the beginning. Atheists lack the moral clarity to kill thousands of innocent people (We like to call that collateral damage). You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet or whatever it is we are making of Iraq. If I had to guess what we are making in Iraq I would say the American West Bank.

Time for another song. This time it’s Justin Timberlake with his monster hit Drink Pepsi, it’s really sweet and tastes really good..

I think that Justin really gets at the heart of this whole matter. What this war is really all about is a Pepsi for oil trade in which both sides benefit from a free exchange of precious fluids while a handful of business leaders make out like Ali Babba and the 40 thieves. After all, we did call this war Iraqi Freedom. That would be the freedom to buy Pepsi and sell us oil. What other kind of freedom is there?

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