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Monday, May 17, 2004

Hooray for America!

Pandering to the Audience

Maybe I’m just too caustic to garner much of a reading audience here on the internet. It seems that you have to stroke people either one way or the other to get people to read your web page (Either that or say you are a woman and thus attract at least 500 readers who are waiting for you to say something dirty. As I’ve said before, I’m not looking for a demographic with their pants around their ankles.). Either you have to be a big fat right-wing blow-hard or you have to be a big liberal jack-ass or you have to be an extremely soft, non-political writer to keep people coming back for more.

We are all creatures of habit; we are all looking for that which will make us more comfortable in our established beliefs. We like people who tell us what we want to hear, not someone who makes us uncomfortable with the beliefs we hold, or challenges us in any way. That is too much work. Just sooth us by blowing smoke up our butts. Those Chicken Soup books have used this technique of blowing smoke up people’s butts and turned it into a publishing juggernaut. Who am I to knock that?

I would like to write a list of some of my views that is sure to endear me to the reading public and establish, once and for all, what a swell guy I am. Just read the bold print and you’ll think I’m ready to host a daytime talk show, a sort of Kathy Lee Gifford of the internet. Who doesn’t like Kathy Lee, besides me, that is? Can’t stand her. (The only single thing that Howard Stern has ever said or done that has made me laugh was when Kathy Lee complained about sharing the cover of TV Guide with Stern. Howard called her a vagina surrounded by an idiot.)

My firmly held beliefs:

I like babies! Can someone please shut that kid up; the game is on.

I think people who hurt kittens are bad! But what if the kitten attacked your baby? That kitten must die, I think we can all agree on that. I’d be the first one to pull the switch.

Moms are good! Is Whoopi Goldberg a mom? If so then I will have to make some sharp qualifications to this one.

… Dads, too! I guess it pretty much goes without saying that there are plenty of dads out there who are complete shit heels so take this one with a grain of salt.

Family—I’m all for it! As long as at least two time zones separate you and your family.

Say no to drugs! Of course I’m not talking about cigars and booze. I’m talking about real drugs. Just say no, for heaven’s sake, unless you really need to kick back and relax. I also highly recommend smoking pot if you are camping in the desert.

I go to church! When I’m in Europe and the church is at least 400 years old and I still have a picture or two left in my camera after taking pictures of the red light district and the topless beaches.

Baseball is the American pastime! No irony here except for the fact that the f@#king Seattle Mariners are in last f#$ing place. It’s enough to turn a baseball fan towards cricket or soccer or something.

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