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Thursday, May 27, 2004

Closed for Repairs

Why can’t you be more like me? I’m perfect in every way and you aren’t. To say that you aren’t perfect is probably the biggest understatement in the history of human communication. So what’s your problem? Maybe you don’t have enough iron in your diet? Try drinking more water. Sleep less. Study harder. Get your act together. Did you know that there is a surgical treatment for that? Have you considered a transplant? Braces? Implants? Reduction? A wig? How about a comb-over? I’m glad I’m not you, that’s all I have to say. Nope, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. Speaking of shoes, what exactly are those things on your feet? Are they corrective?

Let’s be honest; you need a lot of work. I’m not talking about a little fine tuning; I’m talking about a major overhaul—top to bottom. I’m talking about putting your big butt in dry dock, scraping your hull, and rebuilding you from bow to stern. Let’s have crews working around the clock, Monday through Friday, and Saturday’s until noon. Union workers will certainly cost more but you need professionals on this job; not a bunch of unskilled scabs who’ll just make things worse if that’s even possible. I’m not sure that is even possible. My imagination just isn’t good enough to imagine a worse you. Maybe somebody else can try—perhaps a science fiction writer.

Look at me and then look at you. I’m not going to say “If I did it so can you” but you’re going to have to start trying at least. I won’t say your condition is hopeless but Hope isn’t exactly your closest friend these days, is he? In your case I think someone left Hope out in the alley with a fractured skull. Someone call 911. Is there a doctor in the house? A priest? Christ, just get me a shovel; I’ll take care of it.

It’s time to roll up your sleeves and just get started. They say that there's no time like the present, but in your case I'd say a better time would have been about 20 years ago when you really started going downhill. What happened to you? You were such a cute kid. Now look at you. Yikes!

Forget about that; there isn’t time to dwell on past mistakes. Grab a broom and start cleaning up this mess that is your life. There is a mop and bucket on the back porch. Just throw them away when you’re finished. I’ll be back in a few weeks.

It’s about time. That wasn’t so hard, was it? You look great. I love what you did with your hair. You look taller; I'm glad someone got you to finally stand up straight. Your vocabulary certainly has improved, and your grammar, too. Anything would be an improvement over the old you. You had nowhere to go but up. You hit rock bottom and started dynamiting your way even lower. You made rock bottom look like a room with a view. But that was then and this is now. You cleaned up rather well I would say. Congratulations. Can I call you sometime?

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