There Ought to Be a Word

As expressive as the English language may be, it's lacking a lot of useful words which would give us linguistic shortcuts in conversation. Perhaps we're too quick to add new words to our vocabulary that may not be around very long. A new verb like “To Google” seems destined for a short life and relies entirely upon the vicissitudes of a company which may go belly up at any moment yet we lack words to express ideas and feelings that are absolutely timeless. I'm not clever enough to invent these new words but here are a few definitions just off the top of my head.

1) That sinking feeling you get when you realize how much time you have heretofore wasted in your life upon learning something that instantly makes something a hell of a lot easier. Stuff like just hanging up on telemarketers instead of trying to be polite.  Like a couple of simple computer keystrokes that make a task ridiculously shorter than before, like by clicking on a line and then hitting the shift key and then clicking a line below to include all of the lines in between. Before you were clicking on each line individually like some sort of an animal.  And yes, it’s OK to slam the door in the face of two missionary boys instead of inviting them in and then getting creeped out when you actually learn what kind of crazy shit Mormons believe. Not only does that save you time but it's fun, too.

2) The term for when you use a lot less of something simply because you’re too lazy to refill, replace, or throw away whatever it is you are using. Toilet paper brands tell you how many individual sheets are in a roll but they aren’t made to use individually; replace the damn roll already.  I’m still going to blame you for drinking all of my scotch even if you left one table spoon in the bottle after your last bender. 

3) That one drink that puts you over the limit, the drink that signals regret in this particular alcohol episode, the drink that is the beginning of tomorrow’s hangover. 

4) The precise moment in your hangover when you realize that no amount of coffee is going to make you feel like a human being, not today.

5) The day of the year when you finally admit to yourself that you aren’t going to fulfill your New Year’s resolutions. For many of us this day already has a name: New Year’s Day.