Kindergarten: Failure is Definitely an Option

Mrs. G. recalls it as "the darkest year of my life." She cried all the time. She had trouble speaking in complete sentences. She lost 15 pounds. One of her friends remembers fearing that the stylish blond mother of two, and owner of both an Upper East Side apartment and a Long Island beachfront home, was suicidal.

A child stricken with cancer? The collapse of her husband's business? The death of a beloved parent? Menopause? No, the darkest year of Mrs. G.'s life came the year her son was rejected from kindergarten.

-Kay S. Hymowitz, City Journal

It’s time to start looking for a school for your little overachiever. Not meaning to point out the obvious but you really should have started the search a lot earlier. You screwed around with things like nurturing and now there are only two years before kindergarten. Most responsible parents these days start filling out applications to competitive schools once they get a sonogram or as soon as the paper turns blue on the pregnancy test. For truly forward-thinking parents life begins with the pre-conception bottle of champagne.  The finer beverage shops now have pre-school registration forms at the counter next to the condoms.

It isn’t overstating the case to say that you may have destroyed any chance whatsoever for your child to have a meaningful life the way that is defined in your neurotic social circle.   If your kid doesn’t get into the right kindergarten you may as well send them to a lunch lady training academy, at least according to the popular wisdom of the over-privileged heaped upon you 24 hours a day. And forget about a public school. If that’s your plan you should consider changing your baby’s name from Wilson to Spartacus.

If after all of your considerable efforts you only manage to get your child into a second-tier kindergarten there is no need to panic. All you have to do is put that child up for adoption, learn from this mistake, and start over with another baby. If you have become too “attached” to this child to relinquish it, you may consider keeping it on as an employee in some domestic capacity, say as a maid or gardener. Let’s be honest with one another, even though your second choice of kindergarten costs $35,000 a year plus supplies, the only thing your child will be fit for in life will be manual labor, politics, crime, or teacher at a highly-exclusive pre-school academy.

If this whole process seems too daunting, too much of a crap shoot, there is another option available to would-be parents. Instead of the traditional process of having a child of your own, scratching and clawing to get junior into a succession of ever more expensive schools which may or may not culminate in producing an offspring you would be proud to call your own, then there is a new service available to qualified parents (i.e. wealthy). At My Kid Is Better than Yours Adoption Agency you can chose from an array of accomplished adults. You can pick and choose among the adoptees who are licensed professionals from leading universities, or even professional athletes (all of our candidates have at least a .350 average, and that’s in the American League!). Shouting out “My son, the doctor” to no one in particular has never been easier.

At a cost of only $500,000, the My Kid Is Better than Yours adoption process will save you a fortune over raising your own captain of industry or World Series ring-holder from scratch. The price may seem a bit high but, by skipping their actual childhood, you’ll save at least that much by not having to buy hundreds of little metal cars. The bond between you and your adopted kid will be so authentic that your adult child won’t want anything to do with you, just like in traditional families.

A lot of you are probably thinking about the possibility that your hyper-successful progeny could turn out to be a complete criminal, and by that you mean convicted. It’s hard to believe but many extremely successful people in our society don’t rate very high as human beings. For those parents who wish to eliminate any possibility of risk regarding their offspring we offer a new service. When you choose Only the Good Die Young Adoption Agency there are no surprises. Our creative writing staff will painstakingly fabricate the perfect child for you, working backwards from the tearful New York Times obituary, to a remarkable career, to a childhood that filled you with pride and the neighbors with envy. Everyone knows that the tragic demise of a promising youth trumps any other parent’s boring story about their little go-getter urchin.

Imagine having a child who doesn’t drag your good name through the mud with a sex scandal or drug issues. Can you put a price tag on that sort of peace of mind? We have and if you have to ask you can’t afford it. Or perhaps your kid may actually flourish in public school?