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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Breaking News: Lance Armstrong is a Huge Piece of Shit

I was reading about how Lance and Oprah got together to work out the details of his interview.  Oprah has a house in Hawaii and so does Lance, although on a different island. You see, this is the difference in the new America, the rich and obscenely rich will always be rich. Not only will Lance Armstrong not go to jail after breaking more laws than would fill a criminal code book, but he will always be wealthy. Just like all of the assholes on Wall Street who robbed this nation blind. None of them were even charged with a crime, and they sure as shit aren’t about to give up any of the loot they stole.

This is what you get when you build a nation in which a handful of individuals control a vast disproportion of the wealth. Not only have we built individuals and institutions that are too big to fail, but they are also too big for jail. If only all of the wretched slobs languishing in American prisons had simply figured out a way to be too big to get locked up. That should be a lesson to anyone selling stupidly small amounts of illegal drugs: think big!

Next on Lance’s list of sins is whether or not he is an asshole. I would have to put my vote firmly on Yes. I remember after he won his second Tour de France he stood on the podium in Paris with his newborn son in his arms showing the world what a fabulous human being he was: a father, a husband to his wife who stood by him, and a top athlete. Six months later he was fucking Cheryl Crow—so much for the father and husband part of Lance’s mythology. It would take a few years and better drug tests to topple his status as athlete.  Armstrong’s intimidation of critics is like something out of The Sopranos and certainly qualifies him for asshole status and should probably rate him a jail cell.

As far as Lance’s doping itself goes, the matter is an open and shut case. He used illegal drugs and he violated the terms of his contract with his team’s sponsor, The United States Postal Service. He spent over a decade lying his ass off at every opportunity and he slandered the name of anyone who challenged the fiction he had created about his achievements.  He lied under oath. He lied to all of his fans. He is a huge piece of shit in my book, but so what? He’s too big to go to jail and he will always be rich. Lesson learned.

Another question we need to get from the avalanche of doping scandals that run through many professional and amateur sports is about the health effects these drugs have on users. Part of the plea bargain for these convicted athletes is that they should have to submit to tests to determine exactly what these drugs have done and will do to their bodies.  Do these drugs adversely affect their health? 

Sorry Lance, your crocodile tears and your “admission of guilt” are way too late. He's like a rat caught in a cage. What else can he do but make an attempt to come clean and redeem himself, at least a little? And why should anyone believe him now? If we know one thing about the abilities of Lance Armstrong, it's that he is a fantastic liar. He's one of the best. He is the seven time world champion liar. A liar like Lance comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. They should give him a prize.

In the end he will simply go back home, to his second or third home in Hawaii and wherever the hell else he has a mansion while the rest of us suckers wake up tomorrow, go to work, and try to do the right thing even if it isn’t very profitable.

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