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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Serial Killer Hall of Shame

DESPITE ANDY WARHOL'S MAXIM, WE CAN’T ALL BE FAMOUS
The Serial Killer Hall of Shame, my latest book, is a chronicle of the least successful mass murderers and would-be mass murderers in United States history.  The original title of Serial Killer Bloopers was rejected by editors because they felt it lacked gravitas although they didn’t rule out the possibility that this could be the name of the theme song for the movie based on the book.

We begin with Ronald Gray, the self-named Tree Trimmer of Yonkers. He wanted to call himself the Butcher of Yonkers but that name was already taken and besides that Gray was afraid of running afoul of the authorities because he wasn’t licensed to cut meat in the State of New York.  Gray admitted to police that he hasn’t actually begun his serial killer career yet because his lawn care enterprise is currently in its “busy season."

Next there is the pathetic case of Stanley Wellerman who started out in the homicidal maniac profession simply because he thought that the bright orange jumpsuits worn in federal penitentiaries would flatter his chubby physique.  Police apprehended the corpulent psychopath in the middle of his first attempt at murder when a worker at a local fast food emporium called the police reporting that he noticed a bound and gagged victim in the back seat when Wellerman ordered in the drive-thru window.  After initially escaping an extensive dragnet Wellerman was captured when he returned to the drive-thru for extra ketchup.

Mordecai Blaumgarten known as the “Cousin of Ernie” never achieved the sort of fame one would expect from such a prolific and monstrous killer. "Son of Sam" already seemed too much like the title of a Dr. Seuss book so many experts suspect that Blaumgarten's nickname just wasn’t catchy enough to reach a larger audience.  He died in obscurity in the prison movie theater one night when he choked to death on a Milk Dud laughing at a scene in Saw III. 

One of the deadliest killers in American history has yet to be convicted of a crime. Charles W. Langford III, known sometimes as the “Text Message Massacre-er” or the “Multi-Tasking Murderer” is responsible for the deaths of over twenty motorists after cutting them off in traffic while exploring applications on his cell phone.

Often referred to as the world’s clumsiest man, Grand Central Station custodial worker Max Oldman has been nicknamed “Max the Tripper” for inadvertently causing the deaths of scores of hurried New York City commuters. Although repeatedly warned by supervisors, Mr. Goldman almost never displayed the “Wet Floor” sign after mopping the beautiful marble tiles at the top of the steps at the terminal (pardon the word choice). His carelessness with broom and mop handles as well as his strategic misplacement of cleaning carts was like a daily vaudeville sight gag but with a ghastly body count. Oldman now lives off his city pension in Delray Beach, Florida.

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