(Based on true stories, más o menos)
“I couldn’t call you this afternoon to cancel our lunch date because the girl I brought home last night (A hooker? Maybe) stole my iPhone when she left this morning. (Can I use your phone to try to call her?)”
“I didn’t forget your birthday; I just never knew the exact date. It’s in April, right? April or May, I know it’s during baseball season because I took you to a game one year for your birthday.”
“I didn’t forget our anniversary; I just figured that you didn’t care either.”
“I couldn’t lower the toilet seat. I just got finished pissing all over it so it was too wet to touch.”
(Upon breaking up)
“It’s not you, it’s me. But if it were you it would be because you have a lousy job, you’re stupid and boring, and your penis is way too small.”
(Being interrogated while morbidly hung-over the night after a friend’s bachelor party)
“Stripper? What? Me? No way! She was already naked when I walked in the place.”
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