Interesting Things about Me You May Not Know

1) I had an accident many years ago and had to have a stainless steel colon put in. This is why I can eat so much hot food. I used to be able to put my Mexican friends to shame in jalapeño-eating contests. It sounds kind of cool, right, but kids made fun of me a lot for it back when I was in school. Every silver-lined colon has a cloud.

2) My Indian name is “Swears Too Much.”

3) I don’t have any tattoos. In fact, I think they are completely trashy, retarded, and the farthest thing from cool I can possibly imagine, but if I were to get one I would do a huge depiction of the Battle of Trafalgar. I love the era of sailing ships.

4) I’m not a racist, really…but…I really hate the Italians during the World Cup. I sometimes think that I need to move to Italy to get over my revulsion of Italian football. I’m sure that I would love it there although I don’t think I could ever be a Juventus fan even if I lived there until I died of old age (which could be either next year or the year after, according to the actuarial tables).

5) I would take a plate of good French fries over lobster or caviar any day of the week. I mean, who wouldn’t rather have some really good French fries instead of lobster? You could probably deep-fry a shoe and I would eat it if you threw on enough salt.

6) In the morning I need a lot of coffee, like beer bong quantities of coffee so don’t even come near me with a puny little espresso cup. I drink a cup or two of really great American drip coffee in the morning. Later in the day I can be tamed with a cortado or café con leche. After dinner at home a while back I served my guests American coffee from my drip maker. They all commented on how good it was. When I told them it was American I swear they all looked like they wanted to spit it out and take back their praise. Too late folks, I’m going to tell your hippie friends you said something good about American cuisine (coffee falls under cuisine, right?).

7) I use a bath towel about 10 times before I wash it, maybe more. Who’s counting? All you are doing is wiping perfectly clean water off your body, right? When I am done I hang it on the clothes line (if you don’t have a clothes line then you are living like an animal). Who would have thought that being too lazy to wash stuff would help save the planet?

To be continued