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Saturday, October 24, 2015

El Chapo: The Magazine


We here at Sinaloa Cartel Publishing are very proud to announce the launch of our new monthly magazine, El Chapo, dedicated entirely to the life, loves, and philosophy of the world’s most notorious criminal. If Oprah rates her own glossy magazine then certainly we can offer the same privilege to Joaquín Archivaldo Guzmán Loera, AKA “Shorty.” For those who care to know more than what’s printed on the wanted posters we offer rare insights into the world of the man who has made us all ask the question, “Pablo Esco-who-bar?” El Chapo helps readers sift through the legends, myths, rumors, exotic animal zoos, torture-induced confessions, shattered glass, empty shell casings, beheading videos, mass graves, and thousands of severely traumatized innocent bystanders to know the real story.

Here are a few selections from our inaugural edition.

The Grammar Police: When begging for your miserable life should you use the familiar pronoun when addressing your executioner or is it better to stick with the more formal usted?

Tunnel Etiquette: Who should give the right-of-way when passing in a narco-túnel, those entering the U.S. with drugs or those returning to Mexico with bales of $100 bills?

What to Pack When Heading off to Prison for a “Life Sentence.” You don’t want to bring too much stuff but waiting for a mile-long tunnel to be built can test the limits of just a carry-on bag.

How Shallow a Shallow Grave? Our panel of experts digs in. “No body, no crime” may be wise counsel but why do any more work than necessary?

The Firing Squad Gourmet: Recipe ideas for your last meal. Special gluten-free edition!

Choosing a Gangster Nickname: How to inspire fear and respect in your enemies without terrifying your grandchildren. Choose wisely; nicknames are more permanent than tattoos.

Self-Defense or Over-Compensating: When going to your niece’s first communion is an AK47 over-doing it?

Photo Gallery of The Hottest Women of the Mexican Cartels: I wish they could all could be Sinaloa girls.

Top 10 Vacation Spots in Extradition-Free Countries: Visit Brazil for under $100,000 a day.

Cleaning Tips from the Pros: How to get blood out of almost anything.

Outrunning the Law without Breaking a Sweat: Tips on how to be a fugitive with style, panache, and reckless inhumanity.

Ay, Yai, Yai: Do narco-corridos deserve a special place at the Grammy’s? How to balance bribes with death threats to influence the academy.

$3.8 Million Reward: Flattery or insult? Let’s face it, 60 million pesos isn’t what it used to be.

¿Dónde Está el Chapo? On the trail of the half-pint drug baron our staff reveals his favorite water parks in New England.

A Funny Thing Happened While Fleeing a DEA Raid: We show you the differences between an outhouse and an escape tunnel—careful with those $11,000 crocodile skin boots!

Quotes from the soon-to-be-released book The Tao of El Chapo: “Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10th floor.”

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