El Chapo: The Magazine

We here at Sinaloa Cartel Publishing are very proud to announce the launch of our new monthly magazine, El Chapo, dedicated entirely to the life, loves, and philosophy of the world’s most notorious criminal. If Oprah rates her own glossy magazine then certainly we can offer the same privilege to Joaquín Archivaldo Guzmán Loera, AKA “Shorty.” For those who care to know more than what’s printed on the wanted posters we offer rare insights into the world of the man who has made us all ask the question, “Pablo Esco-who-bar?” El Chapo helps readers sift through the legends, myths, rumors, exotic animal zoos, torture-induced confessions, shattered glass, empty shell casings, beheading videos, mass graves, and thousands of severely traumatized innocent bystanders to know the real story.

Here are a few selections from our inaugural edition.

The Grammar Police: When begging for your miserable life should you use the familiar tú pronoun when addressing your executioner or is it better to stick with the more formal usted?

Tunnel Etiquette: Who should give the right-of-way when passing in a narco-túnel, those entering the U.S. with drugs or those returning to Mexico with bales of $100 bills?

What to Pack When Heading off to Prison for a “Life Sentence.” You don’t want to bring too much stuff but waiting for a mile-long tunnel to be built can test the limits of just a carry-on bag.

How Shallow a Shallow Grave? Our panel of experts digs in. “No body, no crime” may be wise counsel but why do any more work than necessary?

The Firing Squad Gourmet: Recipe ideas for your last meal. Special gluten-free edition!

Choosing a Gangster Nickname: How to inspire fear and respect in your enemies without terrifying your grandchildren. Choose wisely; nicknames are more permanent than tattoos.

Self-Defense or Over-Compensating: When going to your niece’s first communion is an AK47 over-doing it?

Photo Gallery of The Hottest Women of the Mexican Cartels: I wish they could all could be Sinaloa girls.

Top 10 Vacation Spots in Extradition-Free Countries: Visit Brazil for under $100,000 a day.

Cleaning Tips from the Pros: How to get blood out of almost anything.

Outrunning the Law without Breaking a Sweat: Tips on how to be a fugitive with style, panache, and reckless inhumanity.

Ay, Yai, Yai: Do narco-corridos deserve a special place at the Grammy’s? How to balance bribes with death threats to influence the academy.

$3.8 Million Reward: Flattery or insult? Let’s face it, 60 million pesos isn’t what it used to be.

¿Dónde Está el Chapo? On the trail of the half-pint drug baron our staff reveals his favorite water parks in New England.

A Funny Thing Happened While Fleeing a DEA Raid: We show you the differences between an outhouse and an escape tunnel—careful with those $11,000 crocodile skin boots!

Quotes from the soon-to-be-released book The Tao of El Chapo: “Keep your friends close but keep your enemies close to an open window on the 10^th floor.”

New Favorite YouTube Chef

My new favorite YouTube chef. I just made it and it's the best version of this Italian classic that I've ever tasted. I was shocked at how good it turned out. There is a deepness to the flavor that I just wasn't expecting, almost like coq au vin which takes hours to make.

I made this almost exactly as he does in the video with the exception that I used tomate frito (a popular Spanish product) instead of tomato sauce. The brandy with the mushrooms is crucial and I don't recommend leaving this out. ¡Buen provecho!

Truth in Advertising

I have always despised the MC advertisements because they insinuate that using a credit card is  the same as using money that you actually have, as if a credit card is like having another source of income.They also imply that you can buy happiness.

Wet and Cool So Far

It seems to have been wetter and cooler this fall than in most other years. I don't mind except when I miss a bike ride like yesterday. I hope to get out sometime today as it's a holiday and I have the time. It did clear up as forecasted and I took a couple pictures on my ride.

This person took the old adage "a man's home is his castle" and ran with it.

Manises, Spain

The King of Bargains

I am the king of bargains and I have the loot to prove it. I made the score of scores yesterday and I just had to share this stuff with someone (I don't mean that I want to share this stuff literally, get your own used crap!). What I won't do is reveal my sources. I have a neighborhood connection that is an absolute gold mine, although yesterday it was a stainless steel mine. 

I picked up this haul for less than the price of a gin and tonic (Spain prices), not that this purchase will in any way affect my gin and tonic consumption. The only blemish in the lot is the slight ding on the blue enameled baking dish which you can see. The clay baking dish will be perfect for pizza, if I ever get around to making one again.

This deep-frying pot is the pick of the litter and will be great for making patatas bravas. You must be so jealous. I don't know how you can stand it.

This cheese board is nice although I doubt that I will use it very often (knife not included). The vegetable steamer and pasta strainer are also welcome additions to my kitchen. The pasta strainer fits perfectly into my pressure cooker pot.

Modern Moral Dilemma #582

What do you do if you’re at the store to buy rat poison and a shovel when you realize it’s the last day before Halloween and you need to buy candy for the kids?

1) Buy the candy and leave the other ominous items on the shelf to spare the person at the cash register any anxiety.

2) Pass on the candy and pray that your house doesn’t get egged into the Stone Age for stiffing the little neighborhood pricks on Halloween.

3) Buy all three items because you aren’t some sort of fiend.

4) Double down on #3 and pick up some duct tape and heavy garbage bags as well to really put the cashier into a quandary.

P.S. Rat Poison & Halloween Candy would be a good name for a punk rock band.  

Professional Help Needed

I lived in cloudy, rainy Seattle for eight years—my first winter it rained 90 days in a row, a new record. You can look it up. I got used to it and quickly learned to love the weather there. Now in the Mediterranean again I’m ready to check into therapy after three slightly overcast days.

Yo vivía en oscuro Seattle durante ocho años con mucha lluvia, mi primer invierno llovió 90 días seguidos, un nuevo récord. Un cifra que sale en los libros. Me acostumbré rápidamente y aprendí a amar el clima allí. Ahora en el Mediterráneo de nuevo estoy listo para entrar en la terapia después de tres días ligeramente nublados.