Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Chewing & Choking & Fame $ Fortune

I'm not choking and you're making me
 very uncomfortable

based on a true story

Here’s the deal, I’m not too big on chewing food, at least not as much as I should. I just like to taste it and get it into my gut ASAP. It’s not like anyone ever got rich or famous because they were good at chewing their food. The down side of not chewing properly is choking on a piece of bagel as big as a baby’s foot. After a couple of close calls I learned how to give myself the Heimlich maneuver. You never know when it could come in handy and it’s a lot simpler than trying to get the point across by pantomiming that you’re choking to death to a bunch of dopes in a bagel shop.

Not to get too far off the subject but how would I go about getting a maneuver named after me? That Heimlich guy must really be living on easy street. I’m just guessing here but I’d wager that Mr. Heimlich came up with the name first—just because it sounds cool—and then invented his little technique for popping a half-eaten steak out of a guy’s gullet. He was probably going to use The Heimlich Maneuver as the title for a spy novel but he was too lazy to write it.

Take an existing technique and rename it, that’s probably what old Heimlich did and now he’s choking with laughter all the way to the bank so I’ll just use “The Scheck Maneuver” as the new name for an old procedure.  Something desperately in need of a new name is the “snot rocket” or “Italian handkerchief.” Excuse me, I'm laughing out loud because I just called plugging up one nostril and blowing snot out of the other a "procedure," like it's something clinical. Granted, a snot rocket is gross but so is forcing someone to eject a piece of recently eaten food. 

Come to think of it I’d rather have my good name attached to something a little more dignified than what people do when they don’t have a tissue. I want the Scheck maneuver to be something fun or glamorous.

Possible things to be heretofore known as The Scheck Maneuver:

1)      When you slap the crap out of someone who is hysterical.
2)      When you reach into a vending machine and take something from the first row without paying.
3)      When you pass out from drinking and find yourself the next morning inexplicably on a park bench in another state.
4)      When a friend passes out and you drive them without their knowledge to another state and leave them on a park bench.
5)      The act of both text messaging and tuning the radio while driving in heavy traffic.

When I decide which of these to use you’re welcome to the others because I think that everyone should have their own maneuver.


  1. It's the "Solar Plexus Vortex".

  2. That would be a great title for a spy novel.


If you can't say something nice, say it here.