This is something that I would never post on Facebook because I’m sure that it would offend a large segment of those listed amongst my friends.
Dear Facebook Friends,
There are a lot of reasons why Facebook can be a good thing but I’m sure that everyone has their gripes. Although I’m childless I love pictures of my friends’ children, no joke, and videos of little kids doing screwy things almost always make me laugh or at least put a smile on my normally dour face. I enjoy your vacation pictures and you shouldn’t feel guilty about rubbing it in that your life is better than mine because almost everyone’s life is better than mine. I am always heartened by the accomplishments and talents of people I am lucky enough to call my friends and I swear I’m never jealous of your achievements.
Here is a brief list of things I don’t like:
1) Pictures of kittens hanging from something that say something about how shitty Mondays are. I think we can all agree that those suck, so stop already.
2) Links to videos about some damn thing and that the end will somehow “break your heart.” I’ve never watched one of these, ever. Never will.
3) Videos of accidents in which someone probably ended up in intensive care if not on a slab at the morgue. I also don’t like snuff films.
4) Everything from Buzzfeed.
If you notice the common denominator of these peeves it’s that none of them have any reflection on your lives. These are all just ways to waste time on the internet and I already do a fucking great job of that without anyone’s assistance, thank you. Don’t post something simply for the sake of posting and a link to some dumb shit isn’t communication and tells me nothing about you except that you’ve been using your time unwisely. Don’t worry too much about that because you are the member of the largest club on the planet of which, shamefully, I have been a lifelong member.