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Friday, October 25, 2013

Post-It Note® Mortem

A few brief observations about life and that thing after it.

● Whenever I cut myself I always grab a stack of stationery and write my signature on as many sheets as I can before it coagulates because I think that in this era of text messages and Twitter people still appreciate a desperate, hand-written letter signed in blood.

● Like many of you I often ask myself whether I’m taking enough chances in life or if I’m avoiding risk at all cost. There must be a middle ground between just going with the flow and the police having to identify your remains by examining dental records.

I’ve reached that awkward, uncomfortable age where I’m too old for tequila but I’ve listened to way too much Mexican ranchera music to ever stop thinking that tequila gives me superhero powers. 

● It’s OK to stay in a cheap hotel* but just don’t die there, man.  If you do then that’s all anyone will ever remember about you until the end of time. You could invent a cure for racism but all anyone will say about you after you’re gone is, “Didn’t he croak in a cheap hotel room?” On the other hand, if you’re in an expensive hotel then, by all means, go nuts. Attempt a swan dive into the pool from your balcony or use a hair dryer in the tub; people will say you went out with style.

*Signs that you're in a hotel where you shouldn’t die:

1) Kids playing hopscotch on homicide chalk outlines in parking lot

2) What sounds like amateur version of West Side Story is really turf war in the street out front between crack ho’s, teenage runaways, and meth dealers

3) Last occupant used complimentary iron to make grilled cheese sandwiches

4) No HBO

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