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Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Attenion Size Matters

How Many Kids with Attention Deficit Disorder Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
Answer: Want to Go Ride Bikes?

Studies have shown that our collective attention spans are being rapidly diminished by our use of the internet. At least that’s what I thought the article said but it was over three paragraphs long and who has that kind of time? I mean, do I look like I’m Amish? I have to check my email, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube accounts as well as my phone messages.  Oh, are you still here? I just clicked on a link to a story about a horrible earthquake. It sounded somewhere foreign so I stopped reading (and caring), then I remembered I was writing this. Glad we got that cleared up. Have a nice day.

Wait, I almost forgot something important. I have something to sell. If your attention span has shrunk so much that you couldn’t get to the end of the instructions on your microwave popcorn and burned down your trailer perhaps you should try our guaranteed Attention Span Extender. Guys, allow me let you in on a little secret. Women love men who listen to them, which in your case is extremely difficult seeing how you’re trying to send a text message and watch the TV screen above her head while she’s talking. I know that you’re simply multi-tasking but she sees it a bit differently, namely that you're an insensitive slob who couldn’t care less about her or her “feelings” (sorry, I don’t know what that means, either).

What she doesn’t seem to realize is that you have Attention Deficit Disorder. This is no joke; it’s a real disease, or ailment, or whatever. I mean, she wouldn’t give you a hard time if you were in an iron lung or in a coma yet simply ignoring her will send her into a rage. Don’t worry, help is on the way.

After only a few very expensive and painful sessions with our patented Attention Span Extender* you will be a new, more sensitive man able to stay focused during your girlfriend’s entire story about what happened to her in line at Starbucks after her yoga class. You’ll even be able to recite the names of the twelve characters involved in the story including what kind of coffee they ordered. Not only will you be able to say “yes” when she asks if you’ve even been listening to her, you’ll be able to ace the test—and there’s always a test or cross-examination. Let me stop you right now before you ask, “But what’s in this for me?” The answer is sex, you idiot.

Listening is better than six-pack abs or a Porsche as far as most women are concerned. With your new skills you could even score with her annoying-as-hell friends. Conversationally men are like a quasi-literate version of Sports Center mixed with random profanity so the simple act of not talking raises our stock with women.

*Side effects may include extreme boredom, tedium, nausea, fainting, severe depression, alcoholism, monotony, dullness, ennui, dreariness, despair, misery, gloominess, etc.

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