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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Eatin’ La Comida Loca


(based on a true story)

I think that all of us have one particular dish that makes us lose control of our humanity when we're eating it. We all have one food that we devour like a starved wolf ripping apart a deer carcass. Whenever I eat fried chicken I always hire a professional Heimlich Maneuverer to watch over me and it’s been money well spent. There are several foods that I wouldn’t want to see myself eating and my apologies to any of you present during my consumption of popcorn, nachos, fries, chips, sunflower seeds, hot dogs, and wings. If any sort of pork product is on the menu and you’re dining with me I’d suggest that you wear a raincoat.

The trouble is that this food over which we have no control is never something we should be eating in large quantities…if at all. Even after I just finished a 60 day hunger strike I doubt that I’d eat more fresh fruits and vegetables than the doctor ordered (the only reason I eat them at all). That same fictitiously skinny hunger striker would eat his weight in corn chips and guacamole with extra sour cream. I think that it’s wonderful if you binge on healthy food but remind me to decline your offers to have me over for dinner. I’m trying to cut down on my kale. 

This reminds me of a story about an alcoholic who was asked about how much he drank. “All of it,” he answered. Should I be in a food binger step program? Some people have a weakness for chocolate and they’ll eat all of it in the house—no matter how much—without so much as coming up for a breath of air. I’m not going to point any fingers because I’ll let you in on a little secret. People ask me whether or not I like cold pizza and I tell them that I don’t know because I’ve never had any leftover pizza to put in the fridge. I’d probably eat everyone else’s discarded crusts tossed into the box if no one were looking. I’ll tell that pathetic story at my first meeting.

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