Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.


Monday, September 05, 2011

Vengeance Fantasies

Too Good for the Little Bastards
I suppose that it goes without saying that everyone hates flies; I’m sure even PETA volunteers have swatted their fair share of these pests. When it comes to killing flies, I’m proud to rank myself among the mass murderers of the insect world. Even though my apartment doesn’t have screens on the huge windows, we don’t really get many flies. Nonetheless, there are occasions when a single fly in the kitchen will pester the living shit out of me and killing it just doesn’t come close to  evening the score in my book.  I just wish that there were more that I could do than simply kill a few of the little bastards.

Simply swatting a fly seems somewhat of a hollow victory for a couple of reasons. First of all, another fly will soon take his place. Secondly, it’s not like flies have much of a life in the first place so snuffing out the future hopes of a fly doesn’t really rate up there in my definition of revenge.  If only I could somehow hurt a fly’s feelings, say with an insult or a disparaging remark. That would be a lot more gratifying than smashing a fly with a rolled up magazine. Now, there have been many occasions when I would have preferred to beat a human being to death with a rolled up magazine but have been forced to settle for lancing a hurtful insult their way instead, such are the constraints of the modern penal code.  But insulting a fly and really making him feel bad would make my day. I’m not saying it would make my day every day but if I were having a slow day it would brighten things up a bit if I made a fly cry.

For those flies that are being particularly irritating perhaps I would be forced to conjure up worse things than insults and mockery. For the most irksome flies I wish that I could really do them damage beyond squashing their revolting little thoraxes or lowering their self-esteem. I wish that I could do harm to their families and loved ones and have them aware that it was I who did the deed. A fly might think twice before bothering me if he knew that I was going to wreak vengeance down upon his clan with techniques right out of the Old Testament or the Armenian Mafia handbook.