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Saturday, September 03, 2011

Republicans Propose Pre-Industrial Era Jobs Plan

With income inequalities quickly reaching levels not known since the Middle Ages, the Republicans are pitching a jobs plan that will speed up America’s decline to a pre-industrial state. “The plan is so simple and so utterly demeaning to the American worker that it just might work,” quipped Republican front-runner Mitt Romney about the proposed plan which, among many other creative innovations to spur employment, offers generous tax breaks for hand-cranked street organs, monkeys, and monkey training.

Republicans point out that the wealthy—or the “job creators” as they have been canonized—are constantly complaining that good servants are hard to find. If their plans goes through the House, minimum wage will be abolished allowing rich assholes to hire more servants, thus creating more jobs. “The liberals may have Nobel Prize winner Paul Krugman doing a lot of their thinking but we have Charles Dickens and Upton Sinclair,” noted one of the few Republicans who would actually admit to having ever read a book in their completely anti-intellectual party. “As far as jobs creation goes, we need to start thinking out of the box for people sleeping on top of boxes,” added Sarah Palin.

With fewer and fewer Americans covered by health care many experts have predicted a sharp rise in birth defects and untreated medical problems leaving more people disfigured and crippled. “Begging needs to be on the table in any discussion about job creation,” added Republican strategist Oliver Norquist. “Instead of asking for government handouts Americans should be begging from each other. An unsightly injury can be a real gold mine for beggars.”