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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Meet a Real White Trash American!

{LIKE TARZAN WITH A GUT}

Ever since my first trip to Europe I’ve always wanted to be a street musician, but even if dragging a piano down to the street were an option I’m too shitty at playing the damn thing for anyone to pay me for it, even out of sympathy. I’ve been thinking of other ways to busk and I thought I’d go with what I’m best at: Being Me! All I need is someone to be my barker and some sort of wire mess cage for them to drag me around in to create more of an atmosphere of fear and wonder.  I think Europeans would get a big kick out of seeing a raw, untamed American, especially one locked in a cage.

Step right up, folks. See with your own eyes this beast from the other side of the world.

From the wild, uncharted vast expanses of Middle America!

Only able to speak one language without an accent and evidently profanity is his mother tongue!

Pure Unadulterated Vulgarity!

Someone whose idea of a fashion accessory is a Slim Jim hanging from his lower lip!

Clad only in cut-off jeans! (I don’t have any but I could probably make that happen for the sake of show business)

Raised completely on McDonald’s and Burger King, watch him eat almost anything you put in front of him as long as it’s lathered in ketchup.

Watch him drink beer directly from the bottle! Amazing!

For an extra 1€ you can poke him with a stick through the bars of his cage! Be careful, folks. He may throw feces at you. Might I remind you again that he’s an American.

(This is pretty much what a lot of people here probably think so why disappoint them by telling them that I’m reading Don Quijote in the original.)

7 comments:

  1. Seems like ecypher got applied and got the job already.....

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  2. I'll challenge you with the Amazing Flying Spanish 30 Year Old Mama's Boy Who Doesn't Know How to Turn on the Washing Machine and Still Does Botellon. (I've been here 22 years. I'm pretty jaundiced to both sides).

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  3. AHAHAHAHAHA...applied and got the job...

    spoken like a true wage slave.

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  4. I realize that I'm being extremely generous with the definition of that word but I did label this as humor. And I'm pretty much just taking the piss out of myself. I'm just saying.

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  5. Oh, let's get into it one day about rich American college students on their junior year abroad. Stumbling around in flip-flops in winter, always with a Starbucks cup in hand, dressed in American Apparel hoodie and whining, "They put HAM in the VEGETABLES!" I'll take your feral hick any day.

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  6. To quote Louis XIV, "Le feral hick, C'est moi!" And try NOT putting ham in vegetables where I'm from. I believe you'd get your ass kicked for that.

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  7. "If you can't say something nice, say it here."

    If I know the Leftbanker at all, I would hope that he doesn't give a shit what people say on here, as long as it isn't directed at any one commenter in particular. Any group or organization should be fair game.

    It looks like he 86'd my original spicy comment. It was well written, if not well thought out, and redirected some of the stereo-typing back in a different direction.

    The fact that L/B even wrote this post further reinforces the fact that people are institutionalized bigots, elitist and perhaps ready to judge others for all the wrong reasons.

    Clearly he is seeing something in the culture at large that is anti-American, and he being American, feels some of that negativity.

    "I think Europeans would get a big kick out of seeing a raw, untamed American, especially one locked in a cage."

    Sure, he's playing as if he's part of the joke, but there is an element of truth in every joke.

    All I'm saying is that this is an odd post, an apologia of sorts, and I don't think anyone, especially the author, needs to apologize for being where they're from. You never asked to be born, and certainly didn't chose the location.

    so fuck it - who cares if some dickbag American doesn't like ham in their beans, or drinks coffee in flipflops in the winter, or doesn't dress right in the eyes of the society at large. Who cares if European 30 year olds have no domestic skills to speak of, or smoke themselves and their neighbors to death with cigarettes, or siesta themselves into a frenzy.

    None of those things describe someone specifically as a person, how they perform as citizens, or what their capabilities are as human beings.

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If you can't say something nice, say it here.