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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Why Rush Limbaugh Hates Us

Rush Limbaugh is a very angry man. He hates liberals. He detests liberals. Rush thinks that liberals are the worst scum to ever have walked the face of the earth. Can you blame him? When he was a boy he was sexually molested by a liberal. Although the police report doesn’t specify, the offender may have even been a hippie, possibly hippies, quite possibly many, many, MANY hippies*. Please think about that the next time you judge Rush harshly over his moronic views on national politics or his jingoistic opinions on foreign policy.

I know what you are all saying, being the hyper-liberal, ultra-politically correct, do-gooders that you all are. You are saying that there is nothing funny about a child being molested. It isn’t funny unless it happens to a know-nothing, draft-dodging, proto-fascist sack of shit like Rush Limbaugh who is now marketing T-shirts mocking prisoner abuse at Guantanamo.

As a matter of fact, Rush was an adult at the time of the hippie gang rape. Does that make you happy? Does that assuage your guilt over the rush of pleasure you experienced upon hearing of young Rush’s misfortune? He just looked younger than his 18 years because he was such a corpulent little red-faced cherub. He was so plump and cute back then that you would never have guessed that he would turn out to be the grotesque caricature of a capitalist pig that he is today.

Think about that story the next time you hear one of his radio rants against liberals. Through his angry words it is impossible not to hear his desperate cries for help. With every slanderous word he hurls at liberals you can almost hear him pining for the time he spent an entire three-day weekend working a port-a-potty glory hole at a Grateful Dead concert. The only way poor Rush can perform marital relations with his sixth wife is if he fantasizes about a psychedelic school bus filled with long-haired Viet Nam War protesters.

Every angry word that Rush utters against welfare cheats and environmentalists is simply the work of a man in complete denial. It’s sad to think that in order for Mr. Limbaugh to fulfill his true sexual orientation he has to wear a disguise consisting of a tasteful floral sun dress and a hat with flowers and fruit on the brim. Then he cruises bars frequented by union workers or PETA volunteers. His fetish for liberals has gotten so bad that he actually carries around a picture of Fidel Castro wearing a Speedo® in his wallet. He spends thousands of dollars every week calling an 800 number that charges $5.95 a minute to tell you personal things about Noam Chomsky.

*I thought about that last ‘many’ for a while and I just felt it added immensely to the humor value of that particular sentence. Any humorist worth his salt knows that three of anything makes it funnier.

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