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Friday, June 24, 2005

Intelligent Design Not Very Intelligently Deconstructed

Hello, I’m Peter Brady PhD, professor of biology at the University of Washington in Seattle. I’m here today to put an end to all of this nonsense about Intelligent Design. ID has been put forth by religious people in America who feel threatened by science. These people feel the need to present a counter-explanation to evolution concerning the development man. They feel that the science of evolution challenges their religious beliefs. They think that science should only be used to make pills to make their sagging dicks hard, or to grow hair on their heads to fill in their comb-overs.

Intelligent Design says that man is much too sophisticated and wonderful to have come about by chance from the evolutionary soup of prehistory. That is a nice thought, but it completely flies in the face of science and common sense.

Let me ask you this; if humans were created intelligently, why are we so incredibly disgusting? Do I have to remind you of what we humans leave in our wake? OK, I’ll remind you: Shit, piss, snot, dandruff, pus, BO, scabs, blood, puke, spit, ear wax, boogers, farts, belches, and these are just the ones that I can mention on this very family-oriented web site.

If we were created by God, or Allah, or Yahweh, or Krishna, or whatever word your church uses, then why are we so alarmingly revolting? If an all powerful being designed humans, I would say that the big guy has the sense of humor of a not-very-well-adjusted third grader. Not that there is anything wrong with having a child’s sense of humor; I would just expect more out of a god if I believed in one. Go visit an outhouse at a primitive camp site and take a deep breath. After you stop gagging, if you ever do regain the faculty of speech, I guarantee that “intelligent” is the very last adjective you will use when describing humans. If I were a god and I wanted to intelligently design humans, I would make their only byproduct something inoffensive, like steam or the scent of gardenias. I also wouldn’t design humans to be capable of emitting a veritable arsenal of vulgar noises.

What will be the next bit of science that these people will attempt to refute? How about gravity? Let’s come up with a counter theory to gravity because it challenges our religious values. Instead of gravity we will call it God’s Velcro®. Jesus makes us stick to the planet because he loves us. Let’s start putting stickers on our children’s text books warning them that gravity is only a theory held by a handful of mad scientists who are all atheists and probably gay.

Instead of dreaming up all of these crackpot counter-theories, wouldn’t it be easier and more fun to bring back the Inquisition?

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