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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Skip the Workout and Lose Weight!

Hello, I’m nationally recognized fitness guru, Ted Hammer, here to talk to you today about my exciting new fitness program, Skipping to Health. You’ve tried running and got shin splints; you’ve tried race-walking and twisted a hip flexor; yoga about broke your back; pilates wiped out your bank account; you have tried every fitness fad to come down the pike and you’re still far from perfect, and in America being anything less than perfect is cause for intense self-loathing—as it should be. Anything other than rock-hard abs, firm breasts, and less than 3% body fat is enough to make me and my fitness associates sick to our stomachs. Right this minute fitness associate Cheri is throwing up in the employee bathroom. Purging a little won’t kill her, she did have five baby carrots for lunch and I was a bit worried about her weight.

After you’ve tried and failed with all those other fitness gimmicks maybe it’s time you tried our gimmick, Skipping to Health? That’s right folks, skipping. Skipping is a low-impact workout that is fun for the whole family. My video series will teach you this ancient fitness technique first developed by the Egyptians over 40 or 50 years ago. Think about this for a second: Have you ever seen a fat mummy? No, you have not seen a fat mummy because those people skipped. I’m here to share their secrets with you for only $49.95 plus postage and handling.

Remember back to when you were a kid. You did a lot of skipping as a child and right now you would move out of your four bedroom house and live in your car to have a waistline like that again. I’m telling you that you can keep your home and still fit into clothes that your teenage children can no longer wear simply by skipping just a few minutes every day.

“But I’ll look silly skipping,” you will say. Sure you will but aren’t you the guy who wears bicycle shorts at the gym? What the fuck do you care about looking silly?

“Is skipping safe?” I respect you too much to lie to you so I’ll tell you the truth for once. Skipping is extremely dangerous. Over 20,000 people die in skipping accidents every year in America. But who cares about safety if it will help you achieve a perfect body? You are willing to undergo surgery, subject yourself to crazy diets, and flail yourself to within and inch of your life at the gym to reduce fat, yet you are afraid to slam into a parked car while out skipping? Get some perspective, people.

Skipping to Health requires no crazy gadgets, which means that you will finally have a yard sale without selling a piece of exercise equipment. The Skipping to Health instructional video comes on a rewritable DVD, so when you realize that it is as worthless as every other fitness product you have wasted money on, you can tape over the video to record your favorite cooking show.


Note to Readers: This may very well be the dumbest essay I have ever written—and that is saying a lot—but we have all seen dumber fitness ideas. Please remember that Leftbanker.com is a parody site so stop sending your checks. I have a good mind to keep the $218,812.75 that I have already received for this fictitious product just to teach gullible readers a lesson.

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