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Friday, June 03, 2005

Death With Dignity, Inc.

In the wake of the Terri Schiavo affair there has been a lot of talk in this country about wills, living wills, dying, death, dead people, various other dead stuff, “What’s that smell? Did someone die?,” and many things we would all rather not think about. These aren’t pleasant subjects. Either is the matter of armies of living-dead zombies from beyond the grave roaming the earth, but we can’t keep on ignoring these important issues. Finally there is a service to help us deal with some of these pressing matters.*

Death with Dignity, Inc. is a subscription service that will ease any anxieties you may be harboring about the day you are picked to meet your maker. Death with Dignity, Inc. will help you preserve your image when you are in your most vulnerable and possibly most compromising position: Death.

Here’s how it works. We install a tiny microchip in your body that automatically monitors all of your bodily functions. When we receive indications that your vitals signs have flat-lined, our team of professionals will jump into action. We guarantee that our people will be the first on the scene. Our associates will arrive in a discreet van disguised as a cleaning crew. They will immediately begin to sanitize the area by removing anything that may cause you embarrassment. We will basically be doing what you would do yourself if you were about to have company over but were prevented from doing it because you just died. Sometimes company comes at an awkward time.

We will clean your apartment so others won’t see that you have been living like an animal. Our technical experts will delete all of your sassy pictures of Britney Spears you have stored on your hard drive. We will return your overdue videos so family and friends won’t know that you were on a Ben Afleck movie marathon. We will take out your trash that is filled with empty vodka bottles. Chances are pretty good that when you pass away you will be in a less than flattering position. We will dress you up in your best clothes and sit you in a reading chair with a copy of the Riverside Shakespeare in your lap. A fine glass of port sits on the table beside you. We will supply the port, because let’s face it, you couldn’t keep a bottle of fine port around for more than 12 hours without drinking it. Let me remind you of the time you received a bottle of port at the Christmas party and you drank 1/3 of it while driving home that night.

Perhaps you’d like to leave behind a notebook filled with pictures of the fictitious children you sponsored from Save the Children. That is something you often thought about doing but you could never afford it because instead you were sponsoring five pay movie channels on your cable TV bill.

If you subscribe to our premium service a Las Vegas showgirl will testify under oath that you passed away while trying to nail a difficult dismount while in flagrante delicto with the aforementioned 21 year old dancer. This service is extremely popular with our senior citizen clients who are still trying to impress high school classmates. The sky is the limit when you’re dead so start living, or at least lead others to believe that in life you were living a remotely interesting life.

You spend a lot of time, money, and effort to create a false image of yourself that you show to the world while you are living. In death we can help you create an even more flattering image of you. It will be easier to do this after you pass away because we won’t actually have to deal with you screwing it up for us.


* As far as the zombies go you are pretty much on your own. In my own experience I have found that I can outrun them. Zombies aren’t exactly known for being light on their feet. They always seem to be dragging one foot that appears to be a bit more dead than the rest of their bodies.

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