There Ought to Be a Word

As expressive as the English language may be, it's lacking a lot of useful words which would give us linguistic shortcuts in conversation. Perhaps we're too quick to add new words to our vocabulary that may not be around very long. A new verb like “To Google” seems destined for a short life and relies entirely upon the vicissitudes of a company which may go belly up at any moment yet we lack words to express ideas and feelings that are absolutely timeless. I'm not clever enough to invent these new words but here are a few definitions just off the top of my head.

1) That sinking feeling you get when you realize how much time you have heretofore wasted in your life upon learning something that instantly makes something a hell of a lot easier. Stuff like just hanging up on telemarketers instead of trying to be polite.  Like a couple of simple computer keystrokes that make a task ridiculously shorter than before, like by clicking on a line and then hitting the shift key and then clicking a line below to include all of the lines in between. Before you were clicking on each line individually like some sort of an animal.  And yes, it’s OK to slam the door in the face of two missionary boys instead of inviting them in and then getting creeped out when you actually learn what kind of crazy shit Mormons believe. Not only does that save you time but it's fun, too.

2) The term for when you use a lot less of something simply because you’re too lazy to refill, replace, or throw away whatever it is you are using. Toilet paper brands tell you how many individual sheets are in a roll but they aren’t made to use individually; replace the damn roll already.  I’m still going to blame you for drinking all of my scotch even if you left one table spoon in the bottle after your last bender. 

3) That one drink that puts you over the limit, the drink that signals regret in this particular alcohol episode, the drink that is the beginning of tomorrow’s hangover. 

4) The precise moment in your hangover when you realize that no amount of coffee is going to make you feel like a human being, not today.

5) The day of the year when you finally admit to yourself that you aren’t going to fulfill your New Year’s resolutions. For many of us this day already has a name: New Year’s Day.

Serial Killer Hall of Shame

DESPITE ANDY WARHOL'S MAXIM, WE CAN’T ALL BE FAMOUS

The Serial Killer Hall of Shame, my latest book, is a chronicle of the least successful mass murderers and would-be mass murderers in United States history.  The original title of Serial Killer Bloopers was rejected by editors because they felt it lacked gravitas although they didn’t rule out the possibility that this could be the name of the theme song for the movie based on the book.

We begin with Ronald Gray, the self-named Tree Trimmer of Yonkers. He wanted to call himself the Butcher of Yonkers but that name was already taken and besides that Gray was afraid of running afoul of the authorities because he wasn’t licensed to cut meat in the State of New York.  Gray admitted to police that he hasn’t actually begun his serial killer career yet because his lawn care enterprise is currently in its “busy season."

Next there is the pathetic case of Stanley Wellerman who started out in the homicidal maniac profession simply because he thought that the bright orange jumpsuits worn in federal penitentiaries would flatter his chubby physique.  Police apprehended the corpulent psychopath in the middle of his first attempt at murder when a worker at a local fast food emporium called the police reporting that he noticed a bound and gagged victim in the back seat when Wellerman ordered in the drive-thru window.  After initially escaping an extensive dragnet Wellerman was captured when he returned to the drive-thru for extra ketchup.

Mordecai Blaumgarten known as the “Cousin of Ernie” never achieved the sort of fame one would expect from such a prolific and monstrous killer. "Son of Sam" already seemed too much like the title of a Dr. Seuss book so many experts suspect that Blaumgarten's nickname just wasn’t catchy enough to reach a larger audience.  He died in obscurity in the prison movie theater one night when he choked to death on a Milk Dud laughing at a scene in Saw III. 

One of the deadliest killers in American history has yet to be convicted of a crime. Charles W. Langford III, known sometimes as the “Text Message Massacre-er” or the “Multi-Tasking Murderer” is responsible for the deaths of over twenty motorists after cutting them off in traffic while exploring applications on his cell phone.

Often referred to as the world’s clumsiest man, Grand Central Station custodial worker Max Oldman has been nicknamed “Max the Tripper” for inadvertently causing the deaths of scores of hurried New York City commuters. Although repeatedly warned by supervisors, Mr. Goldman almost never displayed the “Wet Floor” sign after mopping the beautiful marble tiles at the top of the steps at the terminal (pardon the word choice). His carelessness with broom and mop handles as well as his strategic misplacement of cleaning carts was like a daily vaudeville sight gag but with a ghastly body count. Oldman now lives off his city pension in Delray Beach, Florida.

Daydreaming of Food

A plate of Pepe's famous morro (pork rinds)

For a while now I’ve been trying to make my way through the standard Italian pasta dishes. I try to be as traditional as possible so I watched a lot of Italian grandmothers on YouTube. I figure that the older the woman the more traditional the recipe.  I like this gal who doesn’t look particularly grandmotherly but she’ll have to do and she has a cool theme song. Why don’t I have a cool theme song? Her old-school knife techniques are enough to make you have one hand covering your mouth in horror and the other on your phone ready to call an ambulance but it seems to work for her. She makes every day food like most people probably eat in Italy.  I think that in general Italians probably eat better than about any other people, at least this is the impression I get from first hand observations.  While nothing fancy it’s the sort of food I prefer over dishes that appear on upscale restaurant menus but hardly work for feeding more than one or two people.  I just think that restaurants put too much emphasis on presentation whereas in the home this isn’t as vital. A bowl of chicken soup tastes wonderful but you can only dress it up so much.

There is a café across the street from my place and the owner cooks great food.  I’ve learned a lot from him in our conversations.  He just cooks different stuff every day, whatever looks good at the market or whatever suits his fancy.  In my bar (Bar Casa Morrut) you just have a small dish or two or perhaps a sandwich.  To say that this place is informal is a huge understatement. I just like the place because the first time I ever happened in there the owner, Pepe, talked to me. I have a simple rule here in Spain for bars and restaurants: if the people are nice to me I go back. Sometimes I go back if they aren’t nice but only if something else is worth the trouble.

I don’t know if a joint like Pepe’s would go over in America. You’d need a very adventurous clientele.  Here in Spain people don’t mind sharing dishes and they also don’t have a problem with a very limited choice of menu items. The prix fixe (menu del día in Spanish) is the norm, especially at lunch where you choose between perhaps six items for the first and second courses instead of making everything to order.  One thing that never ceases to charm me is how men will sit around at the bar discussing recipes and cooking techniques. As I have said before, I want to write a cookbook called Recipes I Have Overheard at the Bar in Spain.

¡Buen provecho!

Tomato Butter Sauce with Gnocchi

You may have noticed that I put the sauce before the gnocchi in the title. This may be because I still have a lot to learn about making potato gnocchi but I really wanted to emphasize the sauce in this recipe. This is one of my favorite food discoveries in quite some time.I could tell before I made it that I was going to like it, and why wouldn't I like it?  It has butter and tomatoes in it.

Whether or not you want to make gnocchi this video is well worth watching for the tomato butter sauce she prepares to serve with the gnocchi. The recipe is as easy as it is delicious. I made a few changes and additions. This is a perfect sauce for gnocchi and would go well with raviolis or tortellinis. I looked around on the web in Italian saw no recipe for this sauce although it seems quite a standard among American cooks and seems to have it's roots in Marcella Hazan's recipe.

Tomato Butter Sauce

2 cans whole tomatoes, crushed
1 can tomato concentrate (the concentrate here isn't as strong as in the USA)
100 grams butter
1 whole onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
2 bay leaves
salt & pepper

Put all of these ingredients into a pot and simmer for about 45 minutes. Remove the bay leaves and mix with a hand blender. That's it. Toss gently with the gnocchi and perhaps shred a bit of Parmesan cheese on top and you have a great second dish.

Podcasts in Spanish

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions; I simply try—at least for a while—to continue on my path but with a bit more vigor. To this end I have been looking diligently for audio files in Spanish to listen to as I wander about my day. I came upon a veritable gold mine of podcasts in Spanish from Onda Cero called La Rosa de los Vientos. There are dozens and dozens of topics to choose from and the Spanish is clear and easy to understand. This is quite simply one of the best learning tools I have come across in my time here in Spain.

After less than a week I already feel like my Spanish has improved. I also feel that I am simply making a lot better use of my time. It’s sort of like the ultimate in multi-tasking when I can improve my Spanish while carrying out such mundane chores as going to the supermarket, cooking, cleaning, and dozens of other situations I find myself in throughout the day. Not only am I improving my Spanish but I’m also learning something from the programs. It’s definitely a win-win proposition.  I have been asking around forever for podcasts in Spanish to no avail so this is why I want to share my find as quickly as possible.  Enjoy!