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Saturday, August 01, 2015

How Much of a Hurry Are You in? The Guide

There are only three levels of being in a rush while there are mainly just five reasons you’re in a situation that requires speed. Our free user’s guide will help you determine how fast you need to go and why. We’ll begin with just how much of a rush you’re in at the moment.

1) Crazy Big Freaking Hurry
     In this situation you are willing to leave even major felonies on the table as you negotiate your way from point A to B. And let’s all just take a few deep breaths before anyone mentions murder because technically if you run someone over it’s considered manslaughter which sounds even worse than murder, but legally-speaking it’s no big deal.

This is the reason the Titanic went under; somebody was in a big freaking hurry and plowed into an iceberg, and for what? All those lives lost just because the captain forgot to leave his car in long-term parking and wanted to get to New York as soon as possible because the lot he used was like $60 a day. It’s completely wrong what he did, but let’s be honest here, most of us would have done the same thing in his position.

What people in this group are basically saying is that suddenly their problem has become everyone’s problem which is the most profound level of selfishness.
2) Huge Hurry
     Certainly not a life or death situation, but who’s got all day while this stupid hick tries to parallel park—apparently for the first time. Most humans in a huge hurry find it convenient to abandon most forms of civilized behavior, which isn’t saying that a lot of them are very human when they have all the time in the world. Driving while in a hurry brings out the worst in most people and creates the most danger for everyone in the way. Instead of giving aggressive drivers a ticket, they should be forced to take the bus. There’s nothing like public transportation to beat the impatience out of some little hotshot.

Giving someone “the finger” and other vulgar hand gestures were all developed by drivers in a huge hurry. People on bicycles and on horseback never flip each other off.  Car horns serve only two purposes: as a means for jerks to let everyone know that they’re in a huge hurry, and for total slobs to announce to their girlfriends that they’re out front.

3) Not Much of a Hurry, but I’m an Impatient Asshole by Nature
     People in this category are mostly just plain rude. They’ll cut off a friend in the middle of a stor,y or they may sprint to the taxi stand to beat out an old woman on crutches. They equate being in front of others with winning. Cutting in line and a general failure to wait your turn are offenses that place you squarely in this obnoxious group.

So that’s it. There are only those three kinds of hurry and to think all this time you thought that you were somehow exceptional. You’re just a garden variety creep and there’s nothing special about that.

There are really only five reasons to be in a hurry, although there may be many variations on these themes.

1) You’re simply way too stupid to have thought about leaving five minutes sooner. Seriously, dude, why should anyone else give a shit that you have to be at work in three minutes?

2) Over-slept. Just because it’s a reason to be late doesn’t make it an excuse—there’s a difference.

3) The God damned kids…again! I have two words for parents: military school.

4) Doctors gave you only one month to live. The good news is that the only thing on your bucket list is to watch the movie The Bucket List.

5) You’re tasked with delivering a live transplant organ. Get cracking! That beating heart isn’t going to get to the hospital by itself.