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Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Bicycles Are the Enemy!


Hag late for yoga
"It now takes me 20 minutes to get to my yoga class and I'm often late,” said one commuter. “This is a terrible cluster."


Wow, what a moronic hag! Exactly what I pictured in my head: 50-something over-privileged creep who probably screams at waitresses who aren’t running fast enough for her. I'd bet $100 that’s she’s blaring either Barbara Streisand or Yanni on her stereo. Here’s a news bulletin: if you're driving 20 minutes to exercise you are an eco-criminal. I only hope that there was someone standing by to perform the Heimlich Maneuver after she started choking to death on her own irony.

Why do all these people even live in Boulder if they are going to be such raging assholes? The local eye-shitness news report was perfectly dreadful, as you would expect. They began their story with their own deeply-entrenched mindset and they didn't stop until their foregone conclusion was settled. Just look at how they lead in to the story. “We all know that Boulder can be a bike-friendly town but has the city gone too far? That’s what some people are saying.” And by "some people" they mean a few cherry-picked douche bags sitting on their fat asses inside their cars and one mildly-retarded reporter.

My question to the people of Boulder is this: why aren’t more of you getting around on bikes? I would have asked every driver waiting at the light how far they were going and wouldn’t it have been possible to make the trip in foot or on a bike...and don't they notice that people on bikes aren't stressing out and throwing temper tantrums.

I would also wager that most people who live in Boulder rave about how cool and progressive it is to all of their former friends back in Kansas or wherever the hell they come from. Cool is OK as long as I don't have to wok up a sweat. Pseudo-progressives are so ridiculous. How do you define pseudo-progressive? I would start by including anyone who drives 20 minutes to go to yoga yet claims to be a liberal.

And why is every cyclist they show wearing spandex? No wonder so many people hate cyclists.