After
decades of watching the best and the brightest in the medical profession
gravitate towards cosmetic surgery, world leaders decide that something must be
done. Outward appearances become so important that even patients simply in need
of something to stop a runny nose are given a bit of a nip and tuck around the
eyes. Of course, cold remedies are readily available over-the-counter at
pharmacies, but try telling that to a 70 year old hypochondriac and, truth be
told, Mrs. Berkovich doesn’t look half bad with the new work.
The
last straw comes when a seven year old boy suffering from leukemia goes to the
hospital for treatment and is instead given a truly magnificent pair of breasts
and a collagen injection in the lips. The public is outraged…strangely aroused
but outraged! People demand that something be done to arrest the world’s
free-fall into a culture where looks are everything.
After
a few years of unsuccessful policies, the world court in The Hague comes up
with an idea. A daily exam will be issued to every citizen of the world that
must be completed by everyone and then they must wear their answer sheet around
their neck for the remainder of that day. Citizens have exactly 20 minutes to
complete the exam with a new subject chosen daily. On Mondays, instead of the
exam, it's the New York Times crossword puzzle (at first the Friday puzzle was
used but its difficulty left most people too embarrassed to leave the house in
the morning).
Every
evening at 6 p.m. the subject for the next day’s exam is announced so that
people can cram. The transformation of society is astonishing. Instead of
“hitting the gym” after work people flock to libraries and bookstores—and not
just to buy diet and exercise books like before. The entire fashion industry
basically goes down the toilet and people no longer really give a crap about
their looks and only care about not humiliating themselves on the morning pop
quiz.
The
new edict surpasses all expectations and in only the first week a Victoria's
Secret model was laughed off a city bus for her abysmal effort on that day’s
exam, a map test. She tried to deflect attention from her exam by wearing a
short skirt with no underwear but her fellow commuters howled with merriment at
her almost complete ignorance of world geography, especially the part in which
she had written “Disneyland” where everyone else on the bus had correctly
scribbled “Brazil.” When asked to comment on the incident the top model stated,
“I went to Disneyland when I was 10 and I remember that it was down. Right?”
The
world was left no less unkind, no less cruel by this policy as smart people can
be every bit as mean and bitchy as the beautiful people once were. Plus ça
change, plus c'est la même chose (tomorrow we have a French exam so I've
been studying up).
