WHEN “NO” MEANS “I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO WITHIN AN
INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
Baby, there ain't no restraining order ever been written that
can keep me from loving you. That piece of paper signed by a judge just shows
me how much you care, and it’s in writing, like a love letter. You're saying
that my affection is so strong that it can project from 500 feet. I’m going to
frame it.
Why you so shy, baby? It's just little old me. We met when I
was cleaning out your septic tank, back before I got fired for poor grooming
habits.
You can change your phone number; you can get a new job; you
can even move to a new town. I love you too much to let little things
come between us. To me it's all just a big game of sexy hide-n-seek. I actually
like this new city where you live. I think it's going to be good for the both
of us. Let’s call it a fresh start.
I didn't mean to scare you that first night I found you at
your new apartment. When you pulled back the curtains and I was standing there
outside, you really let out a scream. Surprise! I just wanted to show you how
bad the security is in that new place. It was so easy for me to knock out the
guard and get in the gate. You really need to be more careful. There are a lot
of weirdos out there.
Is that mace or pepper spray? Either way, I love it when you
play hard to get. When I broke into your car the other day I noticed you had a
brochure for Taser guns. We can go shopping together. I'll have them write an inscription
on the handle. I've already told you that you rock my world and now you want to
shock me, too. Oh là lá!
Relax,
sugar. I’m just trying to climb in your kitchen window to read the poem I wrote
for you that expresses my devotion and my disturbing mental state. Stop hitting
me in the head with that cast iron skillet or someone may get hurt. Now I can’t
feel my legs but, ay yi yii, I felt that kick just above the
legs. Don’t you want kids?
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