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Monday, January 19, 2015

Love in the Time of Creepiness

or

WHEN “NO” MEANS “I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE

Baby, there ain't no restraining order ever been written that can keep me from loving you. That piece of paper signed by a judge just shows me how much you care, and it’s in writing, like a love letter. You're saying that my affection is so strong that it can project from 500 feet. I’m going to frame it.

Why you so shy, baby? It's just little old me. We met when I was cleaning out your septic tank, back before I got fired for poor grooming habits.

You can change your phone number; you can get a new job; you can even move to a new town. I love you too much to let little things come between us. To me it's all just a big game of sexy hide-n-seek. I actually like this new city where you live. I think it's going to be good for the both of us. Let’s call it a fresh start.

I didn't mean to scare you that first night I found you at your new apartment. When you pulled back the curtains and I was standing there outside, you really let out a scream. Surprise! I just wanted to show you how bad the security is in that new place. It was so easy for me to knock out the guard and get in the gate. You really need to be more careful. There are a lot of weirdos out there.

Is that mace or pepper spray? Either way, I love it when you play hard to get. When I broke into your car the other day I noticed you had a brochure for Taser guns. We can go shopping together. I'll have them write an inscription on the handle. I've already told you that you rock my world and now you want to shock me, too. Oh là lá!

Relax, sugar. I’m just trying to climb in your kitchen window to read the poem I wrote for you that expresses my devotion and my disturbing mental state. Stop hitting me in the head with that cast iron skillet or someone may get hurt. Now I can’t feel my legs but, ay yi yii, I felt that kick just above the legs. Don’t you want kids?

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