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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

In Praise of Acting Badly

I'm rooting for the half-naked guy no matter what he did.

KEEP SCREAMING; HELP IS ON THE WAY!



You can keep your stiff upper lip and your chin held high and your bitten bullet; when I’m faced with even the slightest bit of adversity I find that getting completely hysterical is often the best course of action. When the shit hits the fan the last thing I want to do is keep my composure, whatever that is. And even if I did have composure why on earth would I be interested in hanging on to it? It’s just going to get covered in fecal matter. Weren’t you listening? The excrement has struck the fan, man! Now it’s all over your stiff lip because I used you as a human shield and ran for it like any sensible person would. The Youtube video of my rather undignified retreat is a small price to pay…and I don’t have to take a shower like some people I know.  

Keep calm you say? You keep calm; I’m too busy trying to throw a couple of these women and children out of the lifeboat to make room for me and my luggage. I’ll calm down as soon as we row away from all of these poor slobs dog-paddling around us trying to make their way on to my boat. I paid a lot of money for this cruise and there’s no reason why hitting an iceberg in the middle of the night should get in the way of my comfort.

It is my personal opinion that unrestrained panic is way under-rated as a problem solving device. Panic unleashes lots of pent-up energy and adrenalin, sort of like being high on PCP.* I’d like to see a calm person lift a parked car off their own foot, pretty much child’s play for someone high on PCP or a panicky type. Panic gives us superhuman powers like the ability to outrun the cops while half-naked…or at least panic makes us think this is possible.

There is an old saying that goes “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” To bring this into modern times replace “squeaky wheel” with “hostage pleadinging for their life like a spoiled child” and “grease” with “the only adult male passenger released by the terrorists” and you have a happy ending to your story. If you don’t hysterically beg for mercy how will they even know that you don’t want to be shot on the tarmac?

*You just don’t hear much about PCP or “angel dust” these days. It kind of went out of style like acid-washed jeans. Sic transit gloria mundi. I probably cite this Latin quotation too often in an effort to show off but I think it’s truly appropriate here.

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