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Monday, May 30, 2011

100 Things About Me that I Just Made Up


A popular entry for blogs is a list of 100 things about the author.  The only reason I bring this up is because I was helping a friend’s kid with writing in English and I thought this might be a good way to motivate him to write a few lines in English. I personally think this meme is pretty lame, as are most blog memes (I hate the word “meme”). After I got the kid going on his list I started reading about a dozen or so of these lists and every one was completely tedious and awful. They should change the title from 100 Things About Me to 100 Things About Me that No One could possibly Give a Fuck About.

1)      I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

2)      That first one isn’t entirely true. Watching him die was fun but I shot him because he was roller skating in a Speedo®. I was on my bike and happened to be carrying a loaded deer rifle so I just went with my feelings. Come on, you would have done the same thing.

3)      I still cry when I hear that Titanic song by what’s-her-face.  I can’t believe they haven’t made the sequel to that movie where Leo swims back up to the top and lives. Seems like a no-brainer idea for a sequel to me.

4)      I have a huge tattoo on my chest that looks just like human skin.

5)      I had my appendix pierced a while back which is kind of cool except sometimes it’s a hassle at airport security.

6)      I have bowled once in my life when I was in the third grade. I think that once was definitely enough. I just figured that I shouldn’t cloud the memory of that wonderful experience but trying to recreate it.

7)      Back in 1987 I was one of the lawyers who drafted the national bill stating that, in the case of pizza deliveries, if it takes more than 30 minutes it’s free. Before that if the driver delivered the pizza after 30 minutes he was summarily executed.

8)      I came up with the idea for the McDonald's McForeskin Sandwich®, not very popular in America but huge in Israel and in Arab countries. It’s a major item on McDonald’s Discarded Body Parts Menu. What else could we do with all of the lipo-sucked fat in this country besides serving it up at Mikey D's?

9)      I would rather spend a month in a Ugandan prison than an afternoon at a strip mall.

10)   I molested a Catholic priest when I was 7. The church hierarchy covered up the incident and bought me a pony to keep my mouth shut about it. Seriously, I was actually an altar boy as a kid and was probably the worst altar boy in history. I never showed up for mass and basically didn’t give a shit about the stupid church rituals until they finally stopped asking me to do it. The way I treated the priests in our parish could possibly be classified as abuse.

11)   I liked getting gifts as a kid but I was an atheist and didn’t believe in Santa or Jesus or any of that crap so I felt cheap taking gifts on Christmas.  I dealt with those feelings of cheapness in my own way, mostly by playing with the toys until they broke from wear. Life is full of compromises.

...to be continued...or not 

3 comments:

  1. Please continue, this is hilarious.

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  2. I'm glad someone liked it. I always crack myself up which probably isn't such a good thing.

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  3. great stuff John!!!

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