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Saturday, June 04, 2011

Back to School?

Instead of going back to school you can always do like top athletes and leave early to start your professional career.  Granted, the jocks usually step into seven figure salaries and you’ll be looking—at best—at an entry level customer service McJob, but the point is that no one is forcing you to finish school.  Just download a degree and fake transcripts and get cracking.  They make movies about people who fake being doctors and lawyers and such; they never make films about poor slobs who finish college and work normal jobs the rest of their lives. It isn’t fair but this is how we reward people in our society.

So either go the suckers’ route and finish school or take a walk on the wild side and talk your way into a job you are supremely unqualified to hold.  Come to think of it, I’ve been supremely unqualified for every job I have ever held; at least at first (I would definitely say this about my current employment as writer). Most professions require on-the-job training so why bother suffering through a semester of statistics? If a guy can fake being an airline pilot you can bullshit your way through a position in marketing. 

Former Letterman writer Rodney Rothman simply walked into a big dotcom company, sat down at an empty desk, and pretended to work there for three weeks. He was just looking for a few laughs but you could do the same thing and try to get paid for it.  As long as you’re just faking it you may as well start off as the new boss.  And why shouldn’t you be the boss? Your fake transcripts say you got all A’s at Harvard and Cambridge.  Whether you want to be the concerned and sensitive type or choose to rule with an iron fist is entirely up to you.

Faking a profession has never been easier than it is today, as long as you have internet access. I’m sure there are no problems in medicine or bridge construction that can’t be solved with a few mouse clicks. If through one of your training mistakes you prompt some sort of catastrophic disaster, simply change careers…and fast.  Trying to fake a job as one of the rescue workers is being a bit insensitive to the victims but I’m not one to judge (no one could ever accuse you of not understanding irony if you pull this off). Don’t be too hard on yourself and try to put the unpleasantness behind you, as well as a few zip codes. Remember not to include that job on your references.

Although our nation’s prison population of over 2.5 million would probably beg to differ, they say that we only regret the things in life that we don’t do. After watching the Indian Jones movies as a kid you’ve probably thought about being a swashbuckling archaeologist. So why not just do it? How hard could it be? You dig shit up and then clean it off with a paint brush. It’s probably more fun than being an accountant and it definitely beats going to class.

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