THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS NOTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES

The Other Guys

Is anyone still reading? Is it possible that people will read something that isn’t about vampires? I’ve never understood why women are so enthralled with bloodsuckers who wear more make-up than a 50 year old transvestite hooker.  I suppose the vampire myth has a lot to do with women’s sexual frustration of having to say no to men. The women who have said “no” to me over the course of my life never seemed the least bit bothered by their decision, but in many other cases denying themselves is a point of conflict. With vampires, women have no choice in the matter and can just go with the flow, or whatever you call it.  Men have sat by while women have their little fling with vampires but this has gone on long enough.  It’s sort of like living with a roommate who eats your food and drinks your beer; sooner or later you have to put your foot down.

Demanding that women stop their affair with the princes of the night (more like queens most of the time) makes us look clingy and needy; something girls hate more than fang-less guys. Instead of pounding a stake through the objects of women’s desires we should fix them up with somebody new and less threatening to men.  There is a lot of money in those bloodsuckers so I see no reason why the new female infatuation can’t also be a cash cow.  I want a piece of this action so I intend to invent the replacement for the vampire and trademark it.

How about Tyrone the Eunuch Personal Shopper™? He’s cute, dresses immaculately, and he’s anatomically incorrect.  Think of a Ken doll who has a superhero instinct for finding clothes that make girls look thin—that certainly beats X-ray vision.  There is nothing to worry about if your girlfriend comes home at 5 am after being out with Tyrone…or is there? What the hell could they possibly have been doing so late? She slept for about 14 hours afterwards so take a guess. You’d kick his ass but the dude is totally buff from all those Tae Bo classes he did with your gal. At least she said she was doing Tae Bo. I was looking for a harmless lap dog but he turned out to be a leg-humper. OK, forget about Tyrone.

If women will cheat on us with Tyrone and vampires then we need a substitute that doesn’t take the male form.  And forget about replacing vampires with a female; men would be out of business completely in a month.  We need the new model in a non-human form. No threat there at all, right? How about something that can take many different, inanimate forms? Forms that women find sexy like credit cards, and lounge chairs by the pool, and yoga mats. We’ll call him Señor Plastico™. Señor Plastico can take human form but only if she needs a lunch date. That little bastard! Turns out Señor Plastico has a vibrate mode and comes standard with a G-Spot GPS. See what happens, guys, when you don’t ask for directions? Señor Plastico has your better half howling like her team just won the Superbowl…five times!

Until men can come up with a better compromise, women will continue sneaking around our backs with vampires.  Either that or men can actually participate in their relationships with women, which would be difficult if we are to continue our current obsessions with sports and online poker.