Things to Do Before You (Don’t) Die

First of all I’d just like to say how sorry I am to hear that you are going to die and therefore are looking for things to keep you busy before check-out time, so to speak.  The thought of dying has never crossed my mind for a split second.  I realize that human beings don’t live forever but so far death only happens to other people. Perhaps they should be more careful.  Instead of writing a list of the stuff I think that you should do before you die how about a list of things you can do to keep from dying, or at least put it off for as long as possible?

1)      Avoid cars. One of the most dangerous activities ever invented is driving a car. The idea of not driving is unimaginable to about 99% of Americans but it is possible, and simply reducing your car miles is very doable.  When I moved to Seattle I met many people who had never bothered to get a driver’s license. If you never had a license to begin with this seriously reduces your chances of getting a DWI.

2)      Don’t jump off your hotel room balcony into the pool, even if the other kids are doing it. Just fucking don’t.

3)      Avoid cardiovascular diseases which are responsible for a staggering 39% of all deaths in this country. One way to side-step heart failure is to take heed of #1 on the list and ride a bike instead (although you may still be hit by a car).

4)      Helmets aren’t just for the kids on the short bus anymore. Any sport considered remotely “extreme” done without a helmet is practically suicide. This is tough advice for me to follow because I have really nice hair. NASA scientists are working on a new hairspray that acts like a helmet.

5)      Finally, avoid lists of things to do before you die that have things that very well could be the last thing you do. 

The problem is that dying of old age—whatever the hell that means—sounds incredibly boring.  Just the idea of it makes me want to take up smoking, or become a rock drummer or an L.A. gang member (none of whom have died of old age).  This is why it’s better to just not think about croaking.