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Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Fair Game: Hippies

You have to be pretty careful in these days of political correctness about who you make fun of.  But let’s face it, we have to pick on somebody to get a laugh; that’s just the nature of humor.  The trick is to pick on one sub-group that nobody will defend, either because no one likes these people or no one cares about them.  We should pick a group who weren’t born with their affliction, they chose to be who they are freely and thus should take responsibility for who they are.  The thing is, hippies actually choose to be hippies.  It’s incredible to believe but it’s true. It’s like choosing to be a stumbling, babbling, semi-coherent mass of fetid flesh and dreadlocks—which is exactly what hippies are.

Even if both of your parents and both of your parents’ parents were hippies this doesn’t mean that you have to be a hippie.  In fact, it probably means that you hate hippies as much as the average man or woman.  The mere fact that your childhood was ruined because you were forced to eat soy bacon and attend drum circles should insure that as an adult you will be anti-hippy. According to recent studies there is a certain amount of “Stockholm Syndrome” when it comes to being raised by hippies.  However, most children violently oppose their captivity and lash out in drastic manners. Some children of hippies even go on to wear loafers and enjoy professional wrestling. In 2010 4,228 former hippy children changed their names from “Sky” and “Heaven” to Ernie.

Why are hippies so bad? Why should we pick on them? I’ll tell you why. Everyone knows that hippies love weed more than anything in the world  but did you know that a hippy would blow his own dad for just a little bit of weed, a tiny little bit of weed? I guess the real question is who wouldn’t a hippy blow for a tiny amount of weed?  We can’t answer that question and would prefer to never know the real answer.

Here is a hippy historical detail that may help you put this whole anti-hippy tirade into some sort of perspective. In August of 1972 at an outdoor concert in Redmond, California Jerry Garcia performed a four day guitar solo.  Appalling, yes, but not as bad as the fact that none of the 12,438 hippies in attendance moved from where they were standing. They didn’t leave to go to the port-o-lets, nor to shower, and definitely not to apply deodorant (not that any of them brought deodorant).  The toxic fumes from the rock concert completely annihilated a neighboring population of vultures—so much for the hippy’s supposed “love” for the environment.

Still out to defend your furry hippy friends?   


  1. Thank god. I thought I was the only one.
    And they give good old weed a bad name.

  2. I forgot to mention that you should always wash your hands after coming in contact with a hippy so you don't get salmonella.


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