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Monday, February 28, 2011

Drug Testing Made Easy

Is "a lot" the wrong answer?

With police forces having to cut back on spending we have come up with a way to save millions in expensive drug testing procedures.  Not only are the results inexpensive and highly accurate, they are immediate and the squad car video footage should be uploaded to Youtube.

Instead of time-consuming field sobriety checks, inaccurate breathalyzers, and costly blood-alcohol tests that can’t be administered in real time, we have come up with a fool-proof method of determining whether or not someone is too drunk to drive. After you have pulled over someone suspected of being intoxicated ask them to get out of the vehicle. Next, ask the suspect how much money he has with him. If he digs into his pocket and pulls out a wad of crumpled bills you can slap on the handcuffs and throw him in the pokey for the night. The female equivalent would be dumping out her purse on the hood of the squad car, rooting through it with both hands while intermittently applying make-up, and then screaming with joy upon finding a lost credit card.

If you suspect someone of being under the influence of marijuana just mention to him/her that perhaps our universe is just a single drop of water in a vast ocean of another, larger universe. If the driver reels back in deep thought and falls over, this is clear proof that they are stoned out of their mind.

If you think a driver is coked-out ask them—job interview style—what they think is their strongest asset. If they go on for twenty minutes talking your ear off about how great they are, they probably have their sinuses full of blow.  After putting on the handcuffs, duct tape their mouth shut unless you want to hear about how popular they were in high school while you drive to the station.

This drug is difficult to detect without complicated chemical testing but all you have to do is say to the driver, “Can I give you a hug?” If they proceed to tell you how much they love you, too, it’s a pretty certain sign they’re on X.

This drug basically turns users into complete morons. If you ask them to recite the alphabet and they ask you to please spell that, they’re on meth.


  1. Alcohol test for women: If she has to dig in her bag (purse, backpack, whatever)with both hands for two minutes, then upends it on the ground, you can read her her rights.

  2. Thanks.

    Please see slightly plagiarized edit.

  3. Happy to collaborate.


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