Cell Phone Rules We Can All Live With

This essay is rated PG13 for offensive language because a lot of things about cell phone usage piss me the fuck off.

There are no rules for talking on cell phones, no universally-accepted standards of behavior. I used to consider anyone who talked on a cell phone in public to be a complete douche bag. That is, until I bought one myself. Now I don’t think that talking on a cell phone in public makes you a douche bag. I still think that there is a lot of cell phone-related behavior that is extremely obnoxious. I just think that we should all get together and come up with some rules. I have listed a few of my pet peeves. Please feel free to disagree, embellish, or add your own rules.

RULE 1
I think that it is completely unacceptable to talk on a phone and try to interact with a live human being. If you talk on the phone while you try to order a cup of coffee, you are a completely self-absorbed and contemptible piece of offal. This tells the person who is trying to serve you that you rate them somewhere down around where you rate a small piece of plastic filled with circuits. We will all take it for granted that you are Gordon Gecko and Donald Trump all rolled into one super type-A douche bag, but hang up the phone and try to be a real human being for the time it takes you to order your double decaf soy no-whip mocha or your bottle of low-carb beer from the bartender.

RULE 2
Unless you have a hands-free device, DO NOT FUCKING DRIVE A FUCKING AUTOMOBILE AND TALK ON A FUCKING CELL PHONE, YOU FUCKING DANGEROUS FUCK WIT! If you kill someone because of your inattention due to cell phone use, you should be charged with murder. I think that we can all agree on that one, can’t we?

RULE 3
If you are on some sort of public transportation, try to keep your cell phone conversations to a minimum. Those of us around you may be trying to read a book. Have you ever tried that? It may be intruding on our ability to read if you are sitting next to us in the thralls of mall-speak as you yak on and on and on about your incredibly insipid views on life or whatever the fuck it is you are going on and on about with all of your, “Oh my gods” and “likes” and “that is so…” and “hella’s” and all of the other illiterate vocabulary of the post-literate class that makes up the ranks of so many cell phone addicts.

RULE 4
If you are in a public place, don’t talk on your cell phone at a higher volume than the other humans around you. I don’t care how cute you are, if you are yakking loudly on a cell phone I can’t help but get a mental picture of some middle-age fat guy, bald on top with a pony tail, practically shouting into his phone as he walks around the grocery store annoying the living shit out of every other customer. Don’t be that guy, girls.

Rule 5
If you are attending some event where you have been instructed to turn your phone off, turn your phone the fuck off.

That’s about all I have. I realize that the creeps who violate all of my rules are too self-absorbed to care whether or not other people see them for what they are. If I am being to dictatorial, too bitter, if I’m out of line for feeling the way I do towards the usage of this technology, please educate me.