My Favorite Things

The best thing about this war in Iraq is that it will be around for our grandchildren to enjoy. I don’t have any children yet, but I don’t think there is any hurry. As long as people can build cars that explode and blow the living shit out of everything within 50 yards, and there are American soldiers to act as human targets for Muslims fanatics who never get laid, there should be a war in Iraq. And please remember, our soldiers are volunteers so you shouldn’t worry if they get blown up. Have you ever heard of the 30 Years War? Well, this is America and we do everything bigger, better, and longer than anyone else.

The second best thing about the war in Iraq is that whenever we need to we can change the reason we went over there in the first place. Before the invasion no one said a damn thing about bringing democracy to Iraq. I’ll bet you that the average American couldn’t have given two shits about democracy in Iraq back then. Back then it was all about—remember this?—WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. They were supposed to be everywhere in Iraq. WMDs were to Iraq what watches are to Switzerland if you believed our president and his business cronies. It doesn’t even matter why the fuck we are over there because our president has resolve, and as soon as we figure out why we are there, we will work resolutely to get it done. Maybe we should hold a high school essay contest in which students get to compete to give our reason for the war this week. We should write this week’s reason on a chalkboard in front of the White House.

My third favorite thing about this war is that all of the assholes who have screamed the loudest in its favor are all about as far from a battlefield or a recruiting office as you can get. I think some of the neo-con pro-war people have actually been hiding under the covers for the past few years. I really admire these people because if I ran around all day screaming about how this war is so vital for America’s security, and then I was too much of a fucking coward to join the military and help fight it, I would crawl into an open sewer and die of my own shame. Not these folks, there are too busy questioning the patriotism of people who think that, just maybe, this war was a tremendous mistake. I wish that I knew how these guys do it because it would really come in handy if I ever do anything that I am totally ashamed of and I want to look another human being in the eye again.

The monetary cost of the war ranks right up there among my favorite things. Sure, it’s meant that we will have to mortgage the future of our country, we’ll have to dismantle our social welfare and educational systems to pay for it, but for whatever reason we are fighting and getting blown apart in Iraq, I think we can all agree that it is worth every penny. I wonder if there is any truth to the rumor that we are building a pipeline to Iraq so that we can pump money directly into the desert. Maybe we could fill the space shuttle with money and crash it into Iraq? We need to put America’s best minds to the task of figuring out the most efficient way to spend horrific amounts of money on the war.

What I really love about the war is how, in the beginning, not one single right-wing shit bag pundit predicted how badly the war would go, yet every left leaning moron in the country said that things would soon go to hell over there. I love how the right-wing shit bags throw about three kinds of seizures whenever anyone tries to compare Iraq to Viet Nam. They do have a point. Viet Nam will look like America’s greatest foreign policy success compared to Iraq when everything is said and done, so don’t go comparing the two.

Another great thing about the war—and I think we can all agree on this—is that it has pointed out to us what a complete joke our intelligence community is in this country. They have either got everything completely wrong, or they have manufactured false evidence, or they were used for political purposes, or they have been grotesquely incompetent. That is a good thing to know and all it took was this little war to bring all this out into the open. Hey CIA! ¿Donde está Osama Bin Laden? Do you remember that guy? Where in the fuck is he? Did we just give up on him? Do we have “bigger fish to fry?” Because I’m thinking he’s a pretty big fish and he should be fried, but what does a faggot peacenik like me know?

I have to stop thinking about all of the great things about this war or I’m going to become completely overcome by patriotism and do something drastic, like go out and buy a “Support our Troops” magnet for my car.