Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.


Sunday, August 07, 2005

CNN News Flash: Little White Bitch Still Missing!

America, stop whatever it is you are doing this instant and help us find this poor little white bitch who is missing. Here is her picture. Isn’t she cute? Isn’t it sad to think that something bad may have happened to her? By “bad,” what do you think would be really bad? Do you think she was sold into white slavery? That seems to be the creepy subtext to this story, and we here at CNN are encouraging those rumors every way we can. As long as she remains missing, CNN will continue to insist that she has been sold into white slavery, because our viewers have rated white slavery as the most popular news story in a CNN online poll. CNN, a news organization committed to filling the needs of viewers’ prurient desires.

We think this story is truly important, even for non-white people, because are we so much different? If a little non-white girl were ever missing, wouldn’t we obsess over her just like we have for this little white bitch? Of course we would, but as far as we know, a non-white girl has never gone missing, and non-white girls can’t be sold into white slavery. Stories about non-white slavery rated very low among our viewers. Our hands are tied here, people.

The truth is that when little non-white kids go missing, it is probably through some fault of their own, so why should we lift a finger to track them down? Either that or their parents are negligent. The non-white kids will be fine on their own, and while they are living off the land, making their way back home, we need all of you to focus on this cute little white girl who is missing. Even though she went missing on a Caribbean island and you live in Arkansas, you should still be as concerned for her fate as her immediate family.

Even though the story of the missing little white bitch is now months old, our producers here at CNN are having a fucking field day cranking out stories about white slavery, and white women sold into white slavery, and the filthy things they make white girls do while in white slavery situations. In fact, just saying “white slavery” has increased viewership here at CNN to such a degree that we are thinking about starting another 24-hour news channel devoted exclusively to white slavery. Think of it as the ESPN of white slavery.

Just remember, CNN is the leader in covering stories about missing, photogenic white girls. If you are a cute white girl, and you go missing, we will be all over that story like a cheap suit. We all pray that you don’t get sold into white slavery, but if you do, is it our fault if our ratings spike? For all you non-white kids out there, stay close to your parents. If you do get lost, you can navigate by finding the North Star, and following rivers downstream. Good luck, now please excuse us while we go find the missing white girl.

No comments:

Post a Comment

If you can't say something nice, say it here.